DailyMail.com – Men could end up with penises half-an-inch shorter than usual if their parents were exposed to high levels of a chemical used in non-stick frying pans. Scientists have found the chemicals, called PFCs, can interfere with male hormones and lead to sexual organs being ‘significantly’ shorter and thinner.
Come on science! Give us a break! We already have to worry about everything giving us cancer or causing heart disease, now we have to worry about are penises getting smaller?! I’ll scrape my eggs from the pan! It’s not that big a deal! Just don’t shrink my penis!
How incredible is it that every scientist in the world has been working for decades to find a chemical that enlarges penises and then some scrub, tasked with keeping chicken from sticking to a frying pan, figures out how to shrink them?
That’s always the way things work out. It’s always something bad. Scientists rarely discover a cure for something or something that makes us better on accident. And even when they do, it usually ends up spinning out of control.
Can you imagine if they figured out these PFC’s make penises longer and thicker? Guys would be scraping the coating off every non-stick frying pan they could get their hands on! They’d be crushing up the shavings, melting them down in a spoon and shooting them directly into their bloodstream! The non-stick frying pan industry would thrive! Stores wouldn’t be able to keep them on the shelves! Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray would be the wealthiest people on the planet! But then when it becomes nearly impossible to legitimately buy a non-stick frying pan at the store or online, that’s when the shit hits the fan.
Crime goes way up because every delinquent dude with a small penis is going to break into your house to go through your kitchen cabinets while you’re away at work or on vacation. Tiny penis gangs will be robbing restaurants at gun point, “Get on the ground! Go in the back and bring out all your teflon cooking products!” Oh, and that’s when the Cartels move in to control the underground non-stick frying pan market. It would be chaos!
So, we’re probably better off that things worked out the way they did. We tend to have trouble handling things that are awesome.