The Titanic Was Found On Accident! Well, Sort Of.

CNN.com – Robert Ballard, who discovered the Titanic, said that the expedition was part of a secret US military mission to recover two sunken nuclear submarines on the bottom of the ocean.”They did not want the world to know that, so I had to have a cover story,” Ballard said.

https://giphy.com/gifs/mission-impossible-1996-rewatch-Ty6dsAaERhyWA

Ballard was in the process of seeking funding for an exhibition to find the Titanic in 1985.  The US Government caught wind of this and was like, “Hey man.  Here’s where we’re at right now.  We kind of lost a couple submarines in the Atlantic Ocean a while back that have nuclear weapons on them…and that’s kind of a big deal here in the office.  So, what if we pay you to find those for us, but we tell the world that you’re being paid to find the Titanic?  Then if you find our subs soon enough and you have some extra time after, you can go look for the Titanic or whatever.”

This was a win for everyone because we weren’t exactly on good terms with Russia in 1985 so we couldn’t have them finding out we had nukes out there on the ocean floor.  And Ballard gets a chance to find the Titanic, which would make him RICH AS FUCK!

https://giphy.com/gifs/chappelles-show-sbHeENxBcatck

The government knew where the subs were so finding them would be easy, except he had to do it without the Russians following him.  Evidently, this Ballard dude was a G because he located the subs and accomplished his mission with 12 days to spare.  So, then he went out and found the Titanic, a ship that had been lost at sea since 1912, in just 12 days!  It was 12,000 feet deep at the bottom of the North Atlantic, which I’m guessing made it a real bitch to find.  But Ballard did it!  After all this time, we had the Titanic and everything in it!  The money, the cars, the jewelry, the ledgers, and yes…we finally had the most sought after historical treasure of all time.  We had Jack’s naked drawing of Rose! 

https://giphy.com/gifs/leonardo-dicaprio-titanic-james-cameron-6PJKaQkcu7sTm

This made everyone happy.  Except for Rose.  This was obviously pre-internet so can you imagine how Rose felt?  She had one little moment of indiscretion where she got caught up in the moment and let a dude draw a naked pic of her and then gets lucky enough that it gets buried 12,000 feet at the bottom of the ocean.  She didn’t have a worry in the world!  No way anyone will ever find it now, right?  Ha!  Wrong!

I honestly think that’s why Rose didn’t let Jack on the door with her.  He was the only person the world that knew her dirty little secret.  “Sure, the drawing is going down with the ship but what if this guy gets rescued and starts running his mouth to everybody about what a whore I am?”  That information could ruin a lady!  Especially in 1912! 

Good for Robert Ballard.  Not only did he help answer the questions we had about the sinking of the Titanic, he also helped reinforce the fact that no secret is safe.  No matter how safely you think that secret is tucked away, it can always resurface.  Oh, and he also kept the Russians from getting our nukes.

Follow @toddmccomas