100% Of Marriages To Ghosts End In Divorce

Newsweek – In July 2016, Irish woman Amanda Teague declared that she had married the undead spirit of Jack Teague, a 300-year old Haitian pirate she claims inspired the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series’ iconic Jack Sparrow.  The pair have now divorced, some two years after the ceremony on international waters.

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I called this as soon as I read the original story about the marriage.  I mean, Marriage is difficult enough but marriages where one spouse is a ghost and the other is not a ghost…nearly impossible.  In this particular case, the groom is a 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate and the bride is like a 35-year-old Irish chick.  So, right off the bat there’s some major cultural differences to navigate.  I know none of us were around 300 years ago but if you read up on it, guys treated women way differently back then.  Especially in Haiti.  Especially if you were a pirate.  

Irish women are feisty!  I’m just thinking out loud here, but no way an Irish woman of today puts up with being treated like a Haitian woman in 1710.  Also, you know she had to drive everywhere they went.  I’m sure that got old real quick.  That’s why my cousin got divorced.  He got too many DUI’s and lost his license for 10 years.  She walked out by year 2.

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Plus, we’ve all worked with that woman whose boyfriend never comes to any of the work functions.  She always talks about how great he is and makes excuses why he couldn’t come, but in the back of her mind she knows we all joke behind her back about how we don’t think he’s real.  That puts a real strain on a relationship.  Now, imagine her excuse is, “He’s actually standing next to me right now.  You just can’t see him.”

I also can’t imagine the sex is that great.  I’d put ghost sex down there right next to phone sex.  In both cases its just a voice telling you what he’s doing to you.  That’s fine if you’re out of town on a business trip or something but eventually you’re going to want the real thing.

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Finally, I think respecting your partner’s privacy and giving them “alone time” is very important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship.  There’s no privacy with ghosts.  They can be anywhere they want without you knowing it.  Let’s say you’re doing some healthy venting to your best friend over a beer about how you have to pay for everything because your ghost husband can’t get a job.   Then you hear, “I thought you said you didn’t care about that Karen!   You knew I was a ghost when you married me!  How am I supposed to get a job Karen!  I’m dead!  I can’t even hold money!”

It’s sad whenever I hear that a marriage is ending but I think we use this one as a learning experience for all.  Love doesn’t always conquer all.  If you fall in love with a ghost, don’t rush it.  Try living with the ghost for a couple years or so before you decide to tie the knot.  A ghost, above anyone, should respect that forever is a very long time, so you want to make sure you get it right.

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