Will Ferrell’s Home Invasion

If you want to win an election for Governor of Georgia, you don’t need to spend a bunch of money on political attack ads against your opponent.  All you need is the most beloved celebrity in the history of celebrity to campaign for you door-to-door.

Will Ferrell went Old School in support of Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams by knocking on doors to encourage people to vote early.  Next to maybe Jesus, is there anyone better to have in your corner?  

In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I’d choose Ferrell over Jesus.  When you’re Jesus it’s hard not to bring religion into the mix, so why risk that.  Everyone loves Will Ferrell!  “Darlene, who’s at the damn door?!  Oh my God!  It’s Ricky Bobby!!!”  Score two votes from a couple that’s never voted before.


I usually lean Republican but I’d vote Marxist if it got me a selfie with Will Ferrell.  I don’t know Stacey Abrams and I don’t know her politics but I love me some Will Ferrell.  I’m not assuming the fine people of Georgia are as shallow as I am, but if I was a betting man I’d take Abrams at +100.  By the way, she’s the only candidate that’s not opposing sports betting legislation.  I looked it up.


Mayweather Finds Fountain of Youth

I’m not sure any athlete in the world has ever sat in a better position than Floyd Mayweather sits right now.  He’s 41, which is usually well past the retirement age of most athletes in his sport, yet he’s still boxing, he’s still undefeated and according to Forbes he’s currently the highest paid athlete in the world.  Mayweather grossed $275 million for his fight against UFC Champion Conor McGregor and has made $10 million in endorsements this year.

Mayweather dominated this fight, stopping an exhausted McGregor in the 10th round, which brought his record to an astonishing 50-0.  Ordinarily, I would say at 41 years old, a boxer who’s 50-0 should think about proudly riding off into the sunset.  However, Floyd Mayweather has found the boxing equivalent of the fountain of youth.  I mentioned earlier that his last fight was the highest grossing fight of his career and it wasn’t even against a boxer!  McGregor was the best standup fighter the UFC had to offer and Mayweather barely broke a sweat.  He was about as threatening as a gym pro thrown in the ring to help Mayweather work on his conditioning.  Say what you will about Floyd Mayweather, but he is a GENIUS!


The UFC has finally reached a level where an amazing mixed martial artist with a magnetic personality and poetic style of trash talk, can blow up to be a social media monster.  Conor McGregor, in my opinion, is the first mixed martial artist to become bigger than the sport and that’s a great thing for the UFC.  There is an argument that Brock Lesnar came first and he was bigger than the UFC.  This is true but that’s the because Brock came from the WWE which is bigger than everything.  Conor came in a nobody.

So, what’s good for the UFC is good for the fighters, right?  The bigger the sport gets, the more fighters make, right?  Well, not necessarily.  The UFC model has always been one that only rewards fighters at the very top of the sport.  But even the top fighters aren’t getting crazy rich.  McGregor was paid $3 million for fighting Khabib Nurmagomedov for the Lightweight Championship and Khabib was paid $2 million.  If you think someone of McGregor’s fame deserves more than $3 million a fight, you’re not alone.

I agree with you, but more importantly, Conor McGregor agrees with you which brings us back to Floyd Mayweather being a genius.  Mayweather and his people made a deal with McGregor which guaranteed him $30 million (and rumored to have grossed $100 million) to box Mayweather.  We all know how that ended.  Mayweather embarrassed McGregor and finished him early with very little effort.  This is not a slam on McGregor.  On the street, McGregor kills Mayweather.  In a MMA fight, McGregor kills Mayweather.  But MMA is not boxing and Mayweather is one of the greatest boxers to ever live.  He’s been boxing since he could walk.  To become a boxer of Floyd Mayweather’s caliber takes a lifetime.  I don’t care how well or hard you train, no MMA fighter on the planet is going to get there in 8 months.

But the good thing for everyone involved is, this doesn’t matter.  Most MMA fans hate boxers and most boxing fans hate MMA fighters; so when the two fan bases came together to watch what would happen if the best UFC fighter fought the best boxer, it produced monster Pay-per-view numbers.

As we waited patiently to see if there would be a rematch, McGregor returned to the UFC and loss to Khabib Nurmagomedov, handedly, which put a bit of a damper on Mayweather vs. McGregor 2.  So, what did Mayweather do?  He publicly offered up a fight against Khabib.  Keep in mind that Khabib is a grappler and beat Conor in the same way he beats everyone, by grappling.  Khabib is no where near the standup fighter that McGregor is.  Even with this being the case, Mayweather claims his fight with Khabib will gross even more than his fight with McGregor.  And at this point, who would doubt him?

Floyd Mayweather has indeed found the fountain of youth.  At what should be the tail end of his boxing career, he finds a way to extend his career another 10 years and make more money than ever.  Boxing guys that aren’t boxers!   Did I mention yet that he’s a genius?  


I Hate Halloween

Every year I see other adults plan their Halloween costumes 2-3 months in advance with the same enthusiasm a young bride-to-be has when she shops for her first wedding dress.  They sit in their office cubicle scanning Amazon for ideas, they run those ideas by co-workers at lunch, they call their significant other to brainstorm how they can coordinate costumes as a couple…it’s a big fucking deal and I just don’t get it!


I see it every year and I am completely baffled each and every time.  The entire experience, and every emotion associated with it, could not be more foreign to me.  I’m well-liked so I get invited to the same costume parties they do and I truly want, more than anything, to feel the excitement and residual joy they get from preparing for it, but it’s simply not there.  I actually feel the opposite.  As soon as I get the invitation or I hear someone else in my circle mention they got it; which means it’s just a matter of time before I get it, I’m immediately overwhelmed with anxiety.  An anxiety that is easily traced back to my childhood.


So, when I was a kid, we were dirt poor.  My dad always had good jobs but we had a family tragedy that tapped us for several years.  Prioritization was a big thing when it came to spending money during this time and we were on a very tight budget.  I was very young so my priorities didn’t always synch up with my parents’ priorities.  Clothes and shoes were shockingly low on their priority scale.  So, I went to school every day in hand-me-downs from my cousins or donations from some clothing drive.  If I did get something new it came from some discount store that I’m sure has been the target of more than one of my standup bits.  Needless to say, I took a lot of shit from the other kids at school.  A LOT of shit.  The carry-over to today isn’t too bad.  I might have to change clothes 6 or 7 times every time I leave the house, which drives my girlfriend crazy, but other than that…the damage is manageable.


If everyday clothes were that low on the family’s priority list, imagine how low the Halloween costume budget was.  These were clothes that would only be worn once!  Which meant there would be no money spent.  My costumes would be made by hand.  And not just any hand, my mom’s hand.  The least creative mind in the family.  Every Halloween I’d leave the house to join my friends for Trick or Treating knowing that I would be the butt of the joke for the rest of the night.  Like the year I had to go Trick or Treating as my dad after he was shot by a shrink ray.  Yeah, just me…wearing my dad’s work clothes.  The next year, my mom had picked up a part-time job which in my mind meant the Halloween budget was going up.  What it really meant was I went Trick or Treating as a McDonalds employee…that was shot by a shrink ray.

But the following year my mom surprised me and went all out.  This year I got to be a pirate!

I loved pirates!  I wasn’t just any pirate either.  I was Captain Fucking Hook!  The biggest fictional pirate of my childhood!  And when I say she went all out, she went all out!  She had somehow met a woman that made costumes for a local theater group and my mom traded babysitting hours for her to make me a Captain Hook costume.  And it was amazing!  The only thing we were missing was the hook.  Luckily for me, we lived on a farm so my mom took one of those hooks you use to throw hay bails with and made a little leather sleeve to cover my hand so you couldn’t see that I was holding the handle.  It was perfect!  I strutted out of my house to meet my friends for Trick or Treating with a confidence I had never felt before.  I even made fun of one of the other kids for his shitty costume.  I was on top of the world!  The only thing that made it better was one of my friend’s mom was driving us to a new neighborhood.  A neighborhood that was known to be the best candy-giving neighborhood in the area.  And I had the best costume!

We unloaded in the new neighborhood and all 7 of us lined up at the door of the first house.  I intentionally stood at the back of the line because I had the best costume.  I was the closer.  My friend Scotty rang the door bell, I straightened my vest and got my hook set just right, and the door opened.  A woman greeted us with a smile and we all yelled “Trick or Treat!”  Then her husband popped up from behind her to take a look for himself and my eyes went immediately to his prosthetic arm that had one of those grabber hooks at the end and I said to myself “God damn it.”  I slowly let go of the hook in my right hand as I shook it loose from my sleeve and let it fall gently into my candy bag, turned right around and walked my defeated little hookless ass back to the van.


So, I guess when I say I hate Halloween I really mean that I hate having to dress up in costumes.  I like candy and shit but people put a lot of emphasis on the costume thing.  Which makes Halloween the one holiday I could do without.