Time.com – Comedian Louis C.K. is in hot water again after mocking school shooting survivors’ advocacy for gun control during a recent comedy set that was leaked online.
Well, if there was any glimmer of hope that Louis C.K.’s return to stage in the New York scene was the beginning of a huge comeback story…it’s gone now. I can’t imagine he survives this one.
According to CNN, the recording was of a Dec. 16 performance. Louis took aim at the Parkland teenagers who survived a school shooting. He asked whether they were mature enough to think about testifying in front of Congress.
“You’re not interesting because you went to a high school where a kid got shot. Why does that mean I have to listen to you?” C.K said in the set. “How does that make you interesting, you didn’t get shot, you pushed some fat kid in the way and now I gotta listen to you talking?”
17 students died at the hands of a fellow student and you’re belittling the survivors for trying to do something to honor their dead friends?! They’re kids Louis! What the fuck are you doing?! Who cares if the 80 people at that NYC comedy spot laugh at it? They’re die hards that would laugh if you farted into the mic for 20 minutes. You know damn well that bit can’t go anywhere beyond that little stage, so why would you put your entire career at risk by doing it that night?
In addition to the obvious problem with him doing a bit that belittles the survivors of this horrible tragedy, I also have a problem with the fact I don’t believe for a second that he feels that way. Therefore, the bit lacks honesty for me. Honesty is what made Louis C.K. great!
This bit comes off as manufactured. As if he’s just taking the opposite stance of every normal human being on the planet and shitting on these kids for mere shock value. That’s open mic shit. The only way a bit like this works is if a majority of us secretly feel the same way he does, but are afraid to say it out loud. When that’s the case, it gets a huge reaction from the crowd because we all experience simultaneous relief that someone else feels the same way. Regardless of how you feel about gun control or if you believe teenagers should be allowed to have a political voice on the matter, raise your hand if you believe these kids are cowards he only survived because they shielded themselves behind the fat kids.
If Louis does feel that way, then he’s disconnected from reality and doesn’t have the capacity to put himself in the shoes of others, which would make sense given his previous actions that got him in trouble. It would be interesting to see how this bit would go if the shooting was at the school his children attend. Regardless, I think he finally drove a dagger into the heart of his comedy career with this one. I was a big fan of Louis C.K. but it looks like we won’t be seeing or hearing much from him in the future and maybe that’s for the best.
The Colts beat the red hot Dallas Cowboys 23-0 without Andrew Luck throwing a touchdown! What the hell is happening?! Frank Reich’s creation has come to life! That’s what’s happening!
When the Colts first started to bounce back from their 1-5 start, we saw the defense playing well enough to keep the game close so Luck and the offense had plenty of opportunity to score. Now the defense has progressed to the point that they’re playing well enough to win games on their own! They just shut out the Cowboys! This is NOT traditional Colts football. Colts fans are used to a system where our offense has to score on nearly every possession to pull out a win. Do we finally have a coach that subscribes to the theory that defense wins championships? It appears so!
Another big reason the Colts started turning this season around was that the offensive live was finally protecting Andrew Luck. For the first time in his career Luck had time to let plays fully develop and wasn’t picking himself up off the carpet after every play. Now, the offensive line is not only protecting their QB, they’re actually opening up running lanes. Turns out, Marlon Mack is a very talented running back! He just needed a little daylight, that’s all. It’s much easier to run through a door when its open.
Speaking of open doors, big shout out to Ryan Kelly and Mo Alie-Cox for a dominant performance on the line last night! We knew Ryan Kelly was a beast. We just needed him to be healthy enough to play. But what a find in Mo Allie-Cox! Mo Alie-Cox is not just another athletic tight end with good hands. He’s a physical specimen! He’s 6’6″ – 260! And unlike most former hoop stars turned tight end, this dude can block!
Every NFL team in the playoff hunt should be praying to their God or their science or their cult leader, whoever they think controls their destiny…that the Indianapolis Colts don’t make the playoffs this year because they might be the most well-rounded and dangerous team in the league right now. They are Frank Reich’s monster!
CNN.com – Robert Ballard, who discovered the Titanic, said that the expedition was part of a secret US military mission to recover two sunken nuclear submarines on the bottom of the ocean.”They did not want the world to know that, so I had to have a cover story,” Ballard said.
Ballard was in the process of seeking funding for an exhibition to find the Titanic in 1985. The US Government caught wind of this and was like, “Hey man. Here’s where we’re at right now. We kind of lost a couple submarines in the Atlantic Ocean a while back that have nuclear weapons on them…and that’s kind of a big deal here in the office. So, what if we pay you to find those for us, but we tell the world that you’re being paid to find the Titanic? Then if you find our subs soon enough and you have some extra time after, you can go look for the Titanic or whatever.”
This was a win for everyone because we weren’t exactly on good terms with Russia in 1985 so we couldn’t have them finding out we had nukes out there on the ocean floor. And Ballard gets a chance to find the Titanic, which would make him RICH AS FUCK!
The government knew where the subs were so finding them would be easy, except he had to do it without the Russians following him. Evidently, this Ballard dude was a G because he located the subs and accomplished his mission with 12 days to spare. So, then he went out and found the Titanic, a ship that had been lost at sea since 1912, in just 12 days! It was 12,000 feet deep at the bottom of the North Atlantic, which I’m guessing made it a real bitch to find. But Ballard did it! After all this time, we had the Titanic and everything in it! The money, the cars, the jewelry, the ledgers, and yes…we finally had the most sought after historical treasure of all time. We had Jack’s naked drawing of Rose!
This made everyone happy. Except for Rose. This was obviously pre-internet so can you imagine how Rose felt? She had one little moment of indiscretion where she got caught up in the moment and let a dude draw a naked pic of her and then gets lucky enough that it gets buried 12,000 feet at the bottom of the ocean. She didn’t have a worry in the world! No way anyone will ever find it now, right? Ha! Wrong!
I honestly think that’s why Rose didn’t let Jack on the door with her. He was the only person the world that knew her dirty little secret. “Sure, the drawing is going down with the ship but what if this guy gets rescued and starts running his mouth to everybody about what a whore I am?” That information could ruin a lady! Especially in 1912!
Good for Robert Ballard. Not only did he help answer the questions we had about the sinking of the Titanic, he also helped reinforce the fact that no secret is safe. No matter how safely you think that secret is tucked away, it can always resurface. Oh, and he also kept the Russians from getting our nukes.
WGN News – Two nuns who worked for decades at a Catholic school in California embezzled at least $500,000, over 10-year period, from tuition and other funds and used it to pay for gambling trips to Las Vegas, church officials said Monday.
These nuns party. Like, it’s wrong to steal. Especially if you’re a woman of the cloth. But you have to admit, if you were trapped in an elevator with a couple of nuns…these the nuns ya want! Everyone is bashing these 2 ladies for taking money from a school to go party in Vegas?! Hypocrites! All of you! Every single one of you laughed your ass off when Bradley Cooper did it in The Hangover! These sisters had the gut sacks to do it for real!
Plus, in the grand scheme of crimes the Catholic Church needs to be worried about…this is a parking ticket! Slap them on the wrist, tell them they can’t handle money anymore and make them janitors. “We’re letting you stay at the school but from now on your janitor nuns. We don’t want to see you in the office unless it’s to empty the paper shredder.” I always assume schools administrated by the Catholic Church do a lot of shredding.
Don’t be too hard on these ladies. They sacrifice a lot in their service to God and for very little pay. They deserve to let loose every now and again. We’re talking about the misappropriation of about $50K a year. That should be about one teacher’s salary but I guarantee you this Catholic-ran school shells that out for 2 teachers! Paying teachers half the salary of public school teachers…that’s the real crime! Maybe someone should investigate that!
Most people know Tim McAfee as the father of former NFL great turned Internet Mogul, Pat McAfee and/or as “Block Dad” because of the viral video of him pulling off the most amazing block-game move of all time.
Tim McAfee is one of my favorite people on the planet so I decided that I want you to learn more about him as a person. So, I conducted a short little interview with him to give you more insight as to why he’s such a legend around here.
Who was your childhood hero and why?
Tim: Mark Spitz (9-time Olympic champion, and former world record-holder in 7 events). I was a swimmer and wanted to be just like him. Plus, he had a badass mustache.
Where did you and your wife Sally meet? And was it love at first sight?
Tim: We met at a New Year’s Eve Party. She claims I stalked her.
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Tim: I wanted to be a State Trooper. I did all the testing but never made it.
What is your favorite food and alcoholic drink?
Tim: A big ole steak and any dark-ass German beer.
What’s your favorite TV Show of all time?
Tim: Anything with Tim Allen. He’s my soulmate.
Diet pop or the real thing?
Tim: Give me the real thing. Coke. No Pepsi.
What is your favorite movie of all time?
Tim: Equalizer 1. Denzel was a good guy out making a difference. Could also be Young Frankenstein.
Who’s your favorite comedian other than your son? Or me?
Tim: Early Eddie Murphy
What’s your favorite song?
Tim: Money For Nothing. Because I was a mover.
Who’s your favorite super hero?
Tim: Batman. No fake powers. Just a human making a difference in the world.
If you could assume and control the body and mind of any living person for a day, who would you choose and why?
Tim: That’s easy. The Donald. There’s no other human on earth who does whatever he wants.
If I were to write a biography on your life, what should I name it?
Tim: Either Damn That’s Been Fun or What Just Happened?
Describe every person that works for Pat, in just 2 words.
Digs – Dom DeLuise
Nick – So Cool
Zito – So Smart
Bailey – So Calm
Todd – Great Guy (of course)
Gorman – Interesting Cat
CFO Phil – Steady Going
Ty – My Trainer
Evan – Silent Killer
Connor – Loud Killer
Oh, one last thing Tim. How do you feel about The Pub?
Tim: I don’t know. Do they have dark German beer?
That’s why we love him! Special thanks to Tim for taking time out of his day for this interview. I hope this helps you all get to know him a little better than you did before. Tim McAfee is a machine and everyone here is happy that he’s in the building now. Especially me, because I’m not the oldest guy in the office anymore. Let’s go!!!
Bostonmagazine.com – In a victory for two very different groups of people, a federal judge has ruled that a Massachusetts law against secretly recording police officers or government officials in public places is unconstitutional.
I have to be honest, I thought this was already legal everywhere. Hopefully Massachusetts is the last state to hang on to this. If not, don’t be misled by the fact police officers were protected by this law. That’s only the case because police officers are technically classified as “public officials”. This law existed because legislators and heads of government are public officials and they were looking out for themselves. Police officers were included by a technicality.
When I worked as an undercover officer in Indiana, I was legally allowed to strap a recording device on my person and record my conversations with whomever I wanted…except “public officials”. If I wanted to do that, I had to get special approval beforehand. That meant a government official had to be made aware that another government official, likely of the same political party or affiliation, was under investigation and at risk of making incriminating statements on a recording. No chance of things going wrong there.
However, the focus of Bostonmagazine.com, and other media outlets releasing this court decision, is on citizens being able to secretly record police officers in public and deservedly so. The internet is full of cell phone recordings of police officers mistreating citizens and abusing their authority so, I personally believe the legal right to record these interactions is a significant check and balance for our society.
That being said, I support this right as long as it’s done in a manner that doesn’t interfere with police officers lawfully performing their duty or in a manner that jeopardizes their safety. Don’t get in my face with your camera and yell crazy shit while I’m dealing with an escaped mental patient that’s wielding a machete. I need focus on not getting my arm hacked off and talk a crazy dude into dropping a machete so I don’t have to shoot him.
But as long as you stay at a safe distance, record until your battery dies. I don’t give a shit. As a member of your community you have the right to report what I’m doing to your community. After all, I’m supposed to be treating people fairly and performing my duties in a lawful and ethical manner, so I should have zero issue with you documenting my actions. What I do in your video should get me promoted, not arrested.
Obviously, not every officer treats people fairly and/or performs their duties in a lawful manner, which is why you’re recording me in the first place and why I support you being lawfully permitted to do so. So, I’m happy the state of Massachusetts finally agrees with us. We need to heal the relationship between cops and community and I don’t think we can do that until we identify all the problem cops so we can get them off the job and hold them accountable for their actions.
Newsweek – In July 2016, Irish woman Amanda Teague declared that she had married the undead spirit of Jack Teague, a 300-year old Haitian pirate she claims inspired the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series’ iconic Jack Sparrow. The pair have now divorced, some two years after the ceremony on international waters.
I called this as soon as I read the original story about the marriage. I mean, Marriage is difficult enough but marriages where one spouse is a ghost and the other is not a ghost…nearly impossible. In this particular case, the groom is a 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate and the bride is like a 35-year-old Irish chick. So, right off the bat there’s some major cultural differences to navigate. I know none of us were around 300 years ago but if you read up on it, guys treated women way differently back then. Especially in Haiti. Especially if you were a pirate.
Irish women are feisty! I’m just thinking out loud here, but no way an Irish woman of today puts up with being treated like a Haitian woman in 1710. Also, you know she had to drive everywhere they went. I’m sure that got old real quick. That’s why my cousin got divorced. He got too many DUI’s and lost his license for 10 years. She walked out by year 2.
Plus, we’ve all worked with that woman whose boyfriend never comes to any of the work functions. She always talks about how great he is and makes excuses why he couldn’t come, but in the back of her mind she knows we all joke behind her back about how we don’t think he’s real. That puts a real strain on a relationship. Now, imagine her excuse is, “He’s actually standing next to me right now. You just can’t see him.”
I also can’t imagine the sex is that great. I’d put ghost sex down there right next to phone sex. In both cases its just a voice telling you what he’s doing to you. That’s fine if you’re out of town on a business trip or something but eventually you’re going to want the real thing.
Finally, I think respecting your partner’s privacy and giving them “alone time” is very important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. There’s no privacy with ghosts. They can be anywhere they want without you knowing it. Let’s say you’re doing some healthy venting to your best friend over a beer about how you have to pay for everything because your ghost husband can’t get a job. Then you hear, “I thought you said you didn’t care about that Karen! You knew I was a ghost when you married me! How am I supposed to get a job Karen! I’m dead! I can’t even hold money!”
It’s sad whenever I hear that a marriage is ending but I think we use this one as a learning experience for all. Love doesn’t always conquer all. If you fall in love with a ghost, don’t rush it. Try living with the ghost for a couple years or so before you decide to tie the knot. A ghost, above anyone, should respect that forever is a very long time, so you want to make sure you get it right.
Last week the Colts got shut out against the Jaguars, the worst team in their division and then came back this week and beat the Texans who were arguably the best team in the division. It feels like a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation.
It’s a real roller coaster ride but, unfortunately, I think it’s just part of the process. The team is starting to gel and come into its own but we’re young and this system is new so there are bound to being growing pains. The Colts have never been known for their defense but it appears that has finally changed.
The defense is doing their job. They’re keeping us in games which is crucial as Luck and the offense work to become more consistent. They’ve definitely shown they can be explosive and move the chains but they’ve also shown that they can shit the bed for long stretches which is frustrating.
The good news is it’s only frustrating because we know what our potential is. We are a good football team and we have the potential to be a great football team. We wouldn’t have been frustrated if we were shut out by the Jaguars last year. We would’ve calmly taken a sip of our beers and let out a collective sigh, followed by a “Yeah, we suck.” It sounds weird to say, but it actually feels good to have the right to be pissed off when we have a bad game.
I couldn’t be more happy that the Colts are in the Wild Card conversation and I couldn’t be more excited to see how we compete for it. I’m all in on GM Chris Ballard and Head Coach Frank Reich. What they’ve been able to accomplish with this team in such a short period of time is incredible. I’m not second-guessing shit this off-season. If they make a move to get Le’Veon Bell…awesome. If they don’t make a move to get Le’Veon Bell…still awesome. These guys came here with a vision and it’s working so I’m keeping my stupid mouth shut. It’s a good time to be a Colts fan.
DailyMail.com – Men could end up with penises half-an-inch shorter than usual if their parents were exposed to high levels of a chemical used in non-stick frying pans. Scientists have found the chemicals, called PFCs, can interfere with male hormones and lead to sexual organs being ‘significantly’ shorter and thinner.
Come on science! Give us a break! We already have to worry about everything giving us cancer or causing heart disease, now we have to worry about are penises getting smaller?! I’ll scrape my eggs from the pan! It’s not that big a deal! Just don’t shrink my penis!
How incredible is it that every scientist in the world has been working for decades to find a chemical that enlarges penises and then some scrub, tasked with keeping chicken from sticking to a frying pan, figures out how to shrink them?
That’s always the way things work out. It’s always something bad. Scientists rarely discover a cure for something or something that makes us better on accident. And even when they do, it usually ends up spinning out of control.
Can you imagine if they figured out these PFC’s make penises longer and thicker? Guys would be scraping the coating off every non-stick frying pan they could get their hands on! They’d be crushing up the shavings, melting them down in a spoon and shooting them directly into their bloodstream! The non-stick frying pan industry would thrive! Stores wouldn’t be able to keep them on the shelves! Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray would be the wealthiest people on the planet! But then when it becomes nearly impossible to legitimately buy a non-stick frying pan at the store or online, that’s when the shit hits the fan.
Crime goes way up because every delinquent dude with a small penis is going to break into your house to go through your kitchen cabinets while you’re away at work or on vacation. Tiny penis gangs will be robbing restaurants at gun point, “Get on the ground! Go in the back and bring out all your teflon cooking products!” Oh, and that’s when the Cartels move in to control the underground non-stick frying pan market. It would be chaos!
So, we’re probably better off that things worked out the way they did. We tend to have trouble handling things that are awesome.
My favorite thing to do as a kid was playing my dad’s standup comedy albums when he and my mom would leave the house. He had albums from the greats of the time like George Carlin, Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor and Robin Williams and I must’ve listened to them each 400 times. I had them all memorized at one point so I’d grab a microphone and perform each of their acts as the record played in the background. How horrifying it would be now to see a video of 11-year-old me pretending to be Richard Pryor.
In the 1980’s we experienced the “standup comedy boom” and television was littered with shows featuring standup comedians. I watched every single one I could. I was in awe of how their brains worked and how they were in control of every moment. They decided when there was silence and they decided when there was laughter. I was just along for the ride and I loved it.
At that time Jake Johannsen was one of my favorites and I’m actually friends with him today, which is one of the things I love about standup comedy. Once you become a comedian, the community is very small. In the grand scheme of thing, there isn’t that many of us. Standup comedy differs from other forms of entertainment in that way. If you’re an actor, chances are you’re never going to work with or hang out with Robert Deniro. But as a comedian, you have a chance to meet or even work with just about any comedian, regardless of their status.
Every headlining comedian needs an opening act so you have the chance of being paired with them through an agency or venue even if you have no connection to them at all. I have friends that have opened for Jim Gaffigan, Bill Burr, Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle, etc… I have not had that privilege but I’ve opened for Tom Green, Tim Meadows, Bobcat Goldthwait and a few other people that I grew up admiring. Oh and I got to hang out with Joe Rogan once! That was awesome!
Most of you don’t know Jake Johannsen but he holds the record for most appearances by a standup comedian on Letterman and I was his biggest fan. I probably still am. I had the privilege of being part owner of 3 comedy clubs for a few years and through that I got to meet and work with a lot of funny and amazing people. Jake Johannsen was one of these people. Gary Gulman is another. I had watched Gary for a long time as well and always considered him one of the greatest comedians I had ever seen. He also happens to be an amazing human being and I value my friendship with him very much. I don’t see him often but he’s been a guest on our podcast Heartland Radio 2.0 several times and I think I’ll always maintain some sort of relationship with him through comedy. That’s how most comedy friendships work.
But occasionally comedy friendships become more. I also met my friend and boss, Pat McAfee through standup comedy. Pat performed at my club once. Shortly thereafter, he started coming to shows and hanging out. I can’t speak for him but when I first started doing comedy I wanted to hang out with other comedians because their brains worked like mine and I wasn’t use to that. I suspect it was the same for him and that was kind of incredible to me because Pat was a big deal in Indiana. He was the best punter in the NFL, he was a hilarious addition to The Bob & Tom Show (appearing as a guest host every Tuesday morning) and he was a standup comedy prodigy selling out theaters across the state. He was by far the most famous and popular person in the state, yet he found himself hanging out with schmucks like us. Why? Because at the heart of it all…he was a comedian just like us.
Most comedians grow up with an insatiable desire to be a comedian, even if we don’t exactly understand what that means. It’s just something we’re born. Something that makes us want to say funny things out loud and to hear people laugh at them. The problem is there’s not that many of us. So, chances are we didn’t grow up around anyone else that felt this way or that would even understand what we were talking about if we told them. It was a secret we kept to ourselves because it sounded stupid to other people if you told them that’s what you wanted to do in life. At least for Midwest kids. It was like saying I want to be Superman when I grow up. Our friends and family would be like “Well, that’s nice. But how about we pick something that’s real.” So, many of us stifled that passion and set out in life following the same pursuits as everyone else.
But sometimes life makes sure you end up where you’re supposed to and regardless of how or where we grew up, some of us actually ended up becoming comedians. Like Pat and I. I loved when Pat started hanging out with us because I was excited for him. I was excited at the thought he might be experiencing what I experienced when I first started doing comedy and hanging out with other comedians. The feeling that comes when you find out that you’re not alone. The feeling that comes when you realize that there are other people that have this leaky faucet in their head that’s constantly dripping comedic thoughts into your brain whether you want them or not.
When people tell us a story, our brain edits their story in real-time with funnier phrasing and a better ending. We visually dissect every person in line at the bank with what’s funniest about them in case we have to talk about them later. We don’t realize we missed are exit until 12 miles after the fact because our brain was using 100% of its capacity to write a bit making fun of the Viagra commercial that played on the radio 10 minutes earlier. We can’t turn this shit off! It’s not normal! So, when you finally get to surround yourself with other people whose brains work the same way…it’s very comforting.
Another weird and wonderful gift of standup comedy, at least for me, is the show. I don’t travel to do shows as much as those who make a living exclusively from doing standup comedy but I do try to do at least one or two shows a month. I don’t like travel but I do love the shows and I love meeting and hanging out with the people after the shows.
Performing standup comedy in front of a live audience is a very intimate experience for a comedian. The audience has made a financial investment as well as an investment of their time to be there. That means they have put full trust in the comedian’s ability to provide them with a good time and puts a lot of responsibility on the comedian. I like that.
I was a cop for 21 years. My entire career, if something major happened, I wanted to be the person to handle it. It wasn’t for glory or recognition after, I just honestly believed I would handle it better than anyone else. Not because I was smarter or more skilled than everyone else, but because I cared more. I honestly felt what the families of the victim(s) felt. I felt what the other people involved felt and I saw things from their perspective and it was honest. So, my effort was honest. I just didn’t have it in me to let them down.
Comedy is like that for me. Every time I go up in front of an audience I honestly believe I’ll figure out how to give them the best experience possible because even though I’m the one on stage, I feel like one of them. If even one person that bought a ticket felt like they had wasted their money by coming to my show…it would hurt my soul.
So, an hour or so before the show I get this weird feeling that takes over my entire body. An anxiety of sorts, but more intense. I feel like a negotiator that has to talk some bank robber out of a bank full of hostages. Whether this ends successfully or as a disaster, it’s all on me! Everyone inside that bank is counting on me and I only get one shot at this so I have to get it right! Then before I know it, they’re calling my name and its time. I step up on stage, grab the microphone and it happens.
I’m not sure there’s another feeling like it. There’s no tricks, no special weapons; just your brain, a microphone…and your connection with the audience. It’s the most honest, vulnerable and rewarding experience you could ever hope for.