Russia’s Robots Are So Futuristic They’re Humans

https://twitter.com/Soviet_flag/status/1072750313692631040

Russia is doing some shit and I know it seems like this is just Russia making people think they have no robots, but by doing this it solidifies one things: Russia has some crazy robots in their arsenal. For those of you who can’t read Russian, the above caption says “Russian Robot does Macarena and whole crowd goes wild. This Robot will destroy an entire civilization in 16 days.” My Russian is a little shaky but I’m pretty sure that’s what it says and when I say I’m pretty sure, you know I don’t know shit about that gibberish. If I was in that Russian room of terror I would of been shaking with fear of this robot sending out five mini missiles like Tony Stark. One second he’s doing the Macarena, the next, he’s charging up his hand cannons ready to blow anything out of the water. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/iron-man-dfJ0ns8LBXNni

However, in a shocking turn of events, this robot isn’t a robot at all and the population of Russia has never played a game of chess in their lives. Just checkers and more checkers over there. 

https://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1072952983262912512

Yeah, that’s right, Russia is just dressing people up like robots and acting like they have some sort of godly technology. I have to say, I’m impressed with their diligence in attempting to hide the fact their robots are just humans. With that being said, the photo of the guy getting ready to act like a robot is very staged. Russia has to be throwing this out there, setting their whole country up to look like dingbats only to reveal they have a fleet of hulk sized Iron Men ready to rip the barrels off guns and flip tanks. At this point in the robot saga, I’m almost over the inevitability of us getting dominated by these metal creatures. Best case scenario is that the robots are like this and they just rip us apart instead of having big computer brains and making us their slaves as they try to contact another computer in a far off galaxy. Wow, huge turn of events in my brain and now robots are contacting aliens to have them come here and save them from humans. Definitely could see robots doing this and someone should notify Elon Musk to see if any of his distant brothers on Mars have heard anything in the radio waves. Going forward, if you see a “robot” try and pull of his head, might be a human under there. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/old-play-NWlBEcDW5evFS

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St. Nick’s Holiday Gift Ideas – Shoe Tying Robot

If you’re like me and procrastinate until you’re up against the clock you probably haven’t started your holiday shopping yet. I decided to help my fellow humans this year and provide some ideas of gifts for your loved ones and friends this season. Just some simple things to make their lives easier or more enjoyable. Don’t worry folks old St. Nick is here to do the the hard work for you…

https://giphy.com/gifs/90s-cartoon-super-mario-world-NJbeypFZCHj2g

Let me tell you we have found a winner here. It’s become so instinctual you don’t even think when you do it, it’s just a natural habit, a way of life if you will. Tying your shoes is the WORST. I only do it once, the very first time I put on a new pair of kicks. Then I’m constantly playing the slip and slide game trying to jam my foot in without messing up the aesthetic or creasing the sneakers. Like a drunken frat boy who’s been hammering whiskey all night and gone limp, I’m wiggling and wavering trying to find the right angle of insertion to get it in and keep it moving. Because this is all about efficiency, the less I have to do the better. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/EjoPPHEEGTxW8

This tedious task is part of the daily monotony that can make your life feel awfully robotic. Wake up, brush your teeth, tie your shoes, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat, etc.

https://giphy.com/gifs/infomercial-14mu60gk80cHrG

WELL DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! For the low price of roughly $600 you can get your hands on a piece of the future! A device straight from the Jetsons! A shoe tying robot!!!

Yes it’s all too real. You probably didn’t think we had this type of tech just laying around! The future is now!!! Just stick it in and let it go to work baby! This fancy state of the art device is all too happy to do the bullshit you don’t want to deal with. Imagine your old man’s face when you he unwraps this beauty under the tree! No more bending over! Kiss those back issues good bye! Kneeling down all the time to tie your shoes!? Hello knee problems! NO MORE! 

Now I know what you’re going to say… but it takes so long I could tie my own in half the time. This may be true, however who doesn’t love to be pampered and taken care of? You can’t put a price on the delicacy and care of this technology gently looping those laces for you, making you feel, all high and mighty, even powerful like a king!

No need to thank me, your loved one’s joy on X-mas morning and their new lifetime of happiness will be all the thanks I need. 

…Or be a baller and drop a few stacks on the Nike Air Mags from Back to the Future. They retail for around anywhere from $10,000-50,000 USD!

https://giphy.com/gifs/cheezburger-back-to-the-future-nike-5xtDarlcoLgByWydbCE

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