Sheriff Uses Cardboard Deputies To Slow Traffic

“It’s a creative way to solve a problem without really working the problem,” Chody told Austin’s KTBC-TV. “When you’re going 20, 30 miles per hour and you see the silhouette you’re immediately braking slowing down.”

Oh boy.  I’m typically not a fan of Police administrators and this is a perfect example why.  Obviously, people are going to pump on the brakes when they see the cardboard cut out.  Initially, it’s because they’re like, “Oh shit!  There’s a dude standing on the side of the road and he’s pointing something at me.”  Then they’re like, “Damn it!  It’s a cop!  I’m screwed!”  Then they get a quick feeling of relief as they get right up on it and discover it’s just a cardboard cut out.  Then ultimately, that feeling of relief turns to anger as they realize that the Sheriff’s Department just punk’d them.

Drivers in this city are being put through a 10-15 second emotional roller coaster for no reason.  Police administrators love spreading fake news about how increased police presence slows vehicles down, and that slowing vehicles down reduces crashes.  That’s all horse shit.

I was a cop for 21 years and the “slow drivers down” mantra is strong in the front office.  However, last I heard, the number one cause of automobile crashes is following too closely.  Drivers don’t follow at a safe enough distance to avoid collision with the vehicle in front of them, if that vehicle has to unexpectedly stop or drastically reduce it’s speed.  So, maybe it’s not a great idea to put a freaking cardboard cutout of a cop pointing a radar gun on the side of the damn street.  You’re causing drivers to hammer the brake pedal!  How is this making your streets more safe?!

Plus, it’s going to take all of 3 days for high school kids to discover that their Sheriff’s Department has given them the perfect canvas for creating hilarious works of art for their friends.

Now people are going to be crashing even more because they’re laughing their asses off.  There’s a stock joke cops say to other cops once they get promoted to an administrative position.  “Congratulations.  When’s your lobotomy scheduled?”  It’s a stock joke with a lot of truth behind it.  Even though there are exceptions, once most cops spend a little time in the front office they lose their damn minds.  They fall so out of touch with what’s really happening that they start making decisions as a politician.  Let’s give the people easy fairy tale solutions to their real world problems so it looks like we’re doing something.

The fact is you’re not accomplishing shit with these cardboard cutouts.  We need real cops doing real police work.  Focus less on slowing down traffic and focus more on educating the public on what actually causes crashes.  Even better, lets focus on lowering the violent crime rate in your area and increasing the clearance rate on open cases.  I’m yet to find a department of that has mastered that yet.

If you live in this city I’m sorry you’re dealing with this stupidity but I am excited to see the hysterical vandalism pics.

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The Pat McAfee Show vs Matt Mitrione

One of the benefits of working for The Pat McAfee Show is the cast of interesting characters that stop by the office to visit.  One of my favorite characters that stops in is MMA fighter Matt Mitrione.

Matt is a top heavyweight who currently fights for Bellator and previously for the UFC.  He’s a top-tier fighter who hails from Lafayette, IN (his current home) and trains in Indianapolis with Chris Lytle, so he graces us with his presence from time to time.

Today, Matt stopped in the office and stole my hat for the third time since I’ve been friends with him.  I got a bunch of hats and I love Matt so I’m happy to let him have one every now and again.  Plus, he’s one of the deadliest humans walking the Earth and I’m not even in the top 500 million so…

This interaction led to an awesome conversation in the office after Matt left.  First, let me say we all LOVE Matt Mitrione.  He’s awesome!  But because he is literally one of the deadliest humans on our planet, I asked the crew if all of us attacked him at the same time, did they think we could beat him up.

Zito, Digs, Connor and Ty were quick to answer with a resounding yes.  Their argument was that no matter how big or skilled he is as a fighter, no one can beat up 10 guys at once.  Pat, Nick and I weren’t as convinced.  We did concede that their theory is sound but our diffidence was based on the reality that for 10 of us to accomplish this, every single one of us has to be 100% committed to the simultaneous attack.  That means that each of us has to be ok with the fact that 2, if not 3, of us are going to get knocked the fuck out.

For this to work, there can be no hesitation.  A staggered attack would mean we’d all by at risk of getting severely fucked up.  This is 100% a swarm situation.  We’d have to overwhelm him and get him on the ground so that he can’t move.  That’s way easier said than done.  It’s hard for 10 people to effectively pile on a monster like Matt and totally restrict his movement.  Keep in mind, he’s going to be breaking dudes’ fingers, biting off ears, crushing testicles…I don’t think our crew has that kind of commitment.  But I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that not only does Matt Mitrione have that kind of commitment…I’m pretty sure he’d rather do that than have sex.

The crew still seems divided on this but I stand by my opinion.  Mike Tyson said it best, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”  That quote applies to schmucks like us.  People like Mike and Matt actually make a living by having a plan after they get punched in the face.

Regardless, this was just a hypothetical question based my twisted curiosity.  This would never happen because we love Matt and he loves us.  We hope.

Follow @mattmitrione and watch his fight on February 15th.

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Meet The World’s Most Prolific Streaker

Sky News – Mark Roberts (53) of Sefton Park, Liverpool claims to have streaked 568 times across 24 countries, with only 25 of them resulting in an arrest.

Usually, when we think about streakers we picture the blackout-wasted idiot who doesn’t think it’s a party unless you wake up in the drunk tank.  But this isn’t the case.  This guy is a pro.  Mark Roberts says he’s a performance artist and he takes his art very seriously.

Roberts says he respects the event and the athletes that are competing so he never interrupts the game.  Instead, he waits for an obvious break in the action before he puts on his show.  With only 25 arrests out of 568 shows, I’m guessing he puts on a pretty good show.  So, 22 out of 23 times the powers that be were like “Ok, that was funny.”, then showed him to the door instead of tossing him in a wagon.

I don’t mind a good streaker.  By that I mean, if you’re going to do it, don’t just run around naked and make a bunch of out of shape security guards chase you for 30 minutes.  Put on a show!  Entertain us.  If you’re going to enter the game naked, I need the game to be more entertaining because you entered the game naked.  Think themes.  

If you ‘re going to run across the fairway at a PGA event, strap a “tiger” club head on your rod.   If it’s a Notre Dame game, wear a priest collar.  If it’s the opening ceremonies for the Olympics, light your dick on fire.  You get it.  Be creative!  It appears Mark Roberts is that guy but does that mean everyone is going to enjoy his performance?

Mark is a father of three.  That’s unfortunate.  That can’t be easy for the kids.  The odds of at least one of these kids falling in love with heroin is pretty high.  But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, just because you’re a parent that doesn’t mean you have to stop chasing your dreams.  

You do you Mark Roberts!  I’d be honored to see your naked ass put on a show at Lucas Oil Stadium.

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The Picks Are In: The Heartland Radio 2.0 2019 Death Pool

2019 has sent a couple of swift kicks to the testicles so far in terms of celebrity deaths. On January 2nd, most people were settling in to the New Year, crossing their t’s, dotting their I’s, figuring out what New Year’s resolutions they’re going to eventually shit can a couple of weeks down the road, and then WHAM. Mean Gene Okerlund dies. If you aren’t really a wrestling fan, or didn’t watch it back in the day, you probably don’t give two shits that he passed away. So that’s got me reeling a little bit, tough to swallow no doubt, but things happen, people die. BOOM. Bob Einstein aka Super Dave Osborne aka Marty Funkhouser dies within a couple of hours. Arguably one of the funniest characters on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and one of the most respected comics out there.. it’s tough.

Alas, this is just part of life. People live, people die, the show goes on. Which brings me to a tradition unlike any other around the studio here.. the Heartland Radio death pool. The rules are pretty simple. Pick anyone celebrity under the age of 80 who you think is going to die in 2019. Anyone over 80 has aged out and is living on borrowed time. Last year, no one picked died, so if you’re a celebrity reaching the twilight of your life, you may actually want to find yourself firmly entrenched on this list. Just kidding, we’ve got some good picks this year, and I hate to say it, but I think we may have hit the nail on the head with a couple of these. Now let’s get to the picks.

There you have it, think we have some quality picks in here. Here’s an easier representation in graphic form:

Who do you have as your 2019 death pool champion, and are there any glaring omissions to this list? Let me know.


Can We Trust IMDb?

Here’s my review of Holmes & Watson that was published on IMDb on December 26, 2018.

Obviously, this review was given a huge platform and reached a ton of people when Pat McAfee had me read it on The Pat McAfee Show 2.0 podcast.  Pat also shared the review to the millions that follow him on social media as well as the team that works for him.  Then it grew legs as followers of @patmcafeeshow and members of the crew, retweeted and shared the review with their followers and friends.  I’m not sure if it hit enough numbers to be classified as “viral” but it was certainly being seen and appreciated by a lot of people.  Talk Radio shows were reading it on air as content, digital media companies were putting it out on their platforms…it was taking off.

If you went to IMDb and looked up Holmes & Watson, my review was a top the list of all reviews if you sorted by most helpful.  Thousands of people had checked that it was helpful.  The second in the list wasn’t even close.

Then today, I went on IMDb and typed in Holmes & Watson and discovered my review had been removed.  This is now the most helpful review for this movie on IMDb.

286 people found this review helpful.  If you do the math, 286 is much less than thousands.  Not only did IMDb remove my review, the list is now full of positive reviews for the movie.  Lots of 7/10 ratings, I even saw a couple 9’s!  There’s no way that many people enjoyed this movie.  Are these fake accounts?  Are these accounts acting on behalf of someone that has a financial interest in the movie?  I’ll let you decide that for yourself.

You might be thinking right now, “Well, they did leave the second most helpful review, which is also negative and you had given it 2 stars, this account gave it 1 star.  So, that would indicate IMDb is still being impartial, right?”

It is a negative review that scored the movie even lower than I did, but let me expand on that.  I gave it 2 stars because a 1 star review for this movie means you’re not taking the rating and review process seriously.  A 2 star review indicates that I recognize it was a big production with a fantastic cast, but it also recognizes the finished product was an epic failure.

Also, this 1 star review was well done but it hadn’t gone viral, nor does it lend itself to doing so.  My review was spreading at a rate that it was likely to become THE REVIEW of the movie.  Obviously, that isn’t good for those who have a financial interest in the movie.  So, what’s the quickest way to prevent my review from reaching that status?  DELETE!  

Is IMDb acting in the best interest of the backers of Holmes & Watson or are they acting in the best interest of the movie-watching public?  Thousands of people thought my review was helpful, so it’s an interesting question.

I had always relied on IMDb to be the place where I could go see if a movie was worth watching.  I’m not sure I can do that anymore.  I think its possible the integrity of IMDb is being compromised and that’s a damn shame.

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Heartland Radio 2.0 Ep. 34 – “Soaking The Boys”

On today’s show, the guys chat a little bit more about Bird Box and the absurdity of 45,000,000+ accounts viewing it, Bill Murray being an incredible human being, whether or not actors and actresses read their terrible reviews, a Dutch astronaut accidentally calling 911 from the International Space Station, and discuss what people have been eating for the weight loss challenge. Todd wants to know if the guys could change the ending of any movie, what they would change and how. They also answer some listener questions including what guilty pleasures they would give up which sends the conversation off the rails a bit, and if they could play for any NFL team, which they would choose. As always, the guys each send in some Friday Bangerz to help send you into the weekend. It’s a wild one, come and have a good time with us.

This episode features @toddmccomas, @PatMcAfeeShow, @Digz, @nickmaraldo, @tyschmit, @BostonConnr, @HeyGorman, @VivalaZito, and @evanfoxy.

I’m Winning The Weight Loss Challenge

I’m clearly the underdog in this thing.  If you check the odds on they had me at +430 this morning.  But here’s the deal.  I didn’t actually expect to weigh-in at 219.8 to kick this thing off.  When I woke up that day I weighed in at 213.  I put on 6.8 pounds in 4 hours!  That was huge!  I almost pissed and shit myself but it was worth it.

I managed to choke down 4 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and drink a third of a gallon of milk and 6 bottles of water.  Before trying to put weight on for the initial weigh-in I walked around at 205, which is 10 or 15 pounds heavier than I should be.  So, getting back to 205 is happening very quickly.  That’s 15 pounds of weight loss without even trying.

Zito, who was by far the heaviest at weigh-ins because he’s just an obese monster, has made some bold claims as far as how much weight he thinks he’ll lose.  I’m here to tell you that there’s no way he loses more than 40 pounds.  No fucking way!  So, since the challenge is based on percentage of weight lost by each competitor, if he loses 40 pounds I have to get down to 186 pounds (lose 33.8 pounds) to edge him out.  Essentially, I only have to lose 19 pounds during this whole thing because I came in carrying 14.8 pounds of temporary weight.  No problem!

19 pounds isn’t bad at all.  The worst part about it is I pretty much can only eat things that don’t have taste.  I eat like a Koala bear.  Everything taste like a leaf.  So, I’ve been choosing my food by texture.  Cucumber slices have crunch so it at least it somewhat sounds like eating potato chips.  But I can have some meat you say.  Yeah, meat without salt or seasoning!  Turns out, meat in and of itself…not much flavor!

Thankfully, Fuegobox introduced us to a line of hot sauces that are all 5 calories per serving or less.  And their hot sauce focuses way more on flavor than other hot sauce companies!  I’m used to living on mayo, ranch dressing and BBQ sauce but those all have way too many calories so Fuegobox is saving my life right now!  I got flavor!

Basically, I’m telling you to bet the dog on this thing.  I have a strong strategy and so far it’s working great.  Also, let’s not forget that if it comes down to the last week and I have to get nasty and lose more than I’m expecting, I was a wrestler.  Been there, done that!  I know these guys pretty well and rest assure…I got more grit than all of them!  Plus, as far as I’m concerned, your money is my money.  I’m not letting you lose it.

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Click Fuegobox Deal to get 10% off the sauces I’m using during this challenge!  They’re incredible!

Go to and enter the promo code HEARTLAND to get a 50% bonus on your first deposit up to $1000 so you can bet on the challenge!

Heartland Radio 2.0 Ep. 33 – Happy New Year

On today’s show, the guys discuss what they did on New Year’s Eve, chat about the weight loss competition that is finally here and how all the participants are feeling now that plumping season is over, and question why “A Christmas Story,” gets the 24 hour marathon treatment on Christmas. They also dive into some world news including TSA getting rid of dogs with pointy ears because they scare kids, a Louisiana police chief posting on Facebook that his department had seized meth infected with the Zika virus, and an Indianapolis woman being wounded by a celebratory gun shot on New Year’s Eve. Todd wants to know who in the office the guys would choose if they were to be in a buddy cop movie and what the name and premise would be, and the guys answer some listener questions including whether they would want to live in the Bird Box, World War Z, or A Quiet Place universe, and make their selections for the 2019 death pool. Happy New Year everybody, come and have a good time with us.

This episode features @toddmccomas, @PatMcAfeeShow, @Digz, @nickmaraldo, @tyschmit, @BostonConnr, @HeyGorman, @VivalaZito, and @evanfoxy, and closes with “Hook,” by Blues Traveler.

Louis C.K. Finds A Way To Derail His Comeback – Comedian Louis C.K. is in hot water again after mocking school shooting survivors’ advocacy for gun control during a recent comedy set that was leaked online.

Well, if there was any glimmer of hope that Louis C.K.’s return to stage in the New York scene was the beginning of a huge comeback story…it’s gone now.  I can’t imagine he survives this one.

According to CNN, the recording was of a Dec. 16 performance.  Louis took aim at the Parkland teenagers who survived a school shooting. He asked whether they were mature enough to think about testifying in front of Congress.

“You’re not interesting because you went to a high school where a kid got shot. Why does that mean I have to listen to you?” C.K said in the set. “How does that make you interesting, you didn’t get shot, you pushed some fat kid in the way and now I gotta listen to you talking?”

17 students died at the hands of a fellow student and you’re belittling the survivors for trying to do something to honor their dead friends?!  They’re kids Louis!  What the fuck are you doing?!  Who cares if the 80 people at that NYC comedy spot laugh at it?  They’re die hards that would laugh if you farted into the mic for 20 minutes.  You know damn well that bit can’t go anywhere beyond that little stage, so why would you put your entire career at risk by doing it that night?

In addition to the obvious problem with him doing a bit that belittles the survivors of this horrible tragedy, I also have a problem with the fact I don’t believe for a second that he feels that way.  Therefore, the bit lacks honesty for me.  Honesty is what made Louis C.K. great!

This bit comes off as manufactured.  As if he’s just taking the opposite stance of every normal human being on the planet and shitting on these kids for mere shock value.  That’s open mic shit.  The only way a bit like this works is if a majority of us secretly feel the same way he does, but are afraid to say it out loud.  When that’s the case, it gets a huge reaction from the crowd because we all experience simultaneous relief that someone else feels the same way.  Regardless of how you feel about gun control or if you believe teenagers should be allowed to have a political voice on the matter, raise your hand if you believe these kids are cowards he only survived because they shielded themselves behind the fat kids.

If Louis does feel that way, then he’s disconnected from reality and doesn’t have the capacity to put himself in the shoes of others, which would make sense given his previous actions that got him in trouble.  It would be interesting to see how this bit would go if the shooting was at the school his children attend.  Regardless, I think he finally drove a dagger into the heart of his comedy career with this one.  I was a big fan of Louis C.K. but it looks like we won’t be seeing or hearing much from him in the future and maybe that’s for the best.

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Why DIGS is my horse for round 2

I could beat around the bush and tell you multiple different reasons on why Digs is going to take round two of this weight loss challenge. I won’t do that though, there is absolutely only one reason why, MONEY. The first round there was nothing on the line but pride and he still almost took it, barely losing to Zito. This time around there’s 9,999 dollars on the line and for a man who loves to gamble and throw away his money, I can’t see my man Digs leaving that cash out there for somebody else to win.

He also has this absolute beast Cory Gregory designing his workouts and supplements for him. I know, i know Digs has a lot of quit in him, but not this time. I will be eating clean and grinding it out all month alongside him, well not really I’ll be in Canada but you get it.

It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be an absolute battle all January between these four men. Im very excited for this weight loss challenge and I’m even more excited to see my horse Digs pull this thing out at the end of it. Go against the favourite Zito, everyone knows how hard it is to beat the same man twice. Digs at +300 is an absolute steal, hope you all had a great new years and here’s to a very fit and healthy January Cheers.

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