St. Nick’s Holiday Gift Ideas – #2 Secret Agent Mission

If you’re like me and procrastinate until you’re up against the clock you probably haven’t started your holiday shopping yet. I decided to help my fellow humans this year and provide some ideas of gifts for your loved ones and friends this season. Just some simple things to make their lives easier or more enjoyable. Don’t worry folks old St. Nick is here to do the the hard work for you… A few days ago I presented the Shoe Tying Robot to do the dirty work and make you feel like less of a robot. Now we get to a real treat…

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Well, actually…

BECOME A SECRET AGENT! Fulfill one of your wildest most sensational childhood dreams of saving the world in dope fashion and making sweet sweet love to tons of beautiful women (or men! not gender exclusive!) along the way (also that last part not actually guaranteed, even though its Vegas, but you’ve got way better odds than normal). 

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Neiman Marcus the store best known for selling designer items us normies can’t afford is selling a Secret Agent experience this holiday. Here’s what you’ll get to do: 

As the operatives, four adrenaline junkies will fly to Las Vegas via private jet for a three-day, two-night espionage adventure organized by The Invictus Experience. Upon landing, they’ll be greeted by a mysterious man in a tux, who will hand over an envelope containing their assigned mission profile—and the fun will begin with a team of elite and decorated Special Operations Forces veterans.

Free-fall parachutists, combatant divers, force reconnaissance marines, et al will accompany the group to fulfill all of their secret agent fantasies: jumping out of planes, racing supercars, and whatever else is required to complete the mission at hand. When it comes time to refuel and retire for the night, it will be in exceptional style. Covert dinners and unforgettable accommodations at Waldorf Astoria Las Vegas are included. Only one question remains: Will you accept this mission?

FUCK YES I ACCEPT! You’re telling me I can parachute into Vegas with 3 of my best buds Call of Duty style, whip around exotic cars, shoot guns and blow stuff up in the desert, then wind down with cocktails and a succulent filet, before we hit the club to go see some dipshit DJ like Diplo? SIGN ME UP! 

Wait… it costs $315,000? 

Fuck.

This one’s for you 1%’ers 

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St. Nick’s Holiday Gift Ideas – Shoe Tying Robot

If you’re like me and procrastinate until you’re up against the clock you probably haven’t started your holiday shopping yet. I decided to help my fellow humans this year and provide some ideas of gifts for your loved ones and friends this season. Just some simple things to make their lives easier or more enjoyable. Don’t worry folks old St. Nick is here to do the the hard work for you…

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Let me tell you we have found a winner here. It’s become so instinctual you don’t even think when you do it, it’s just a natural habit, a way of life if you will. Tying your shoes is the WORST. I only do it once, the very first time I put on a new pair of kicks. Then I’m constantly playing the slip and slide game trying to jam my foot in without messing up the aesthetic or creasing the sneakers. Like a drunken frat boy who’s been hammering whiskey all night and gone limp, I’m wiggling and wavering trying to find the right angle of insertion to get it in and keep it moving. Because this is all about efficiency, the less I have to do the better. 

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This tedious task is part of the daily monotony that can make your life feel awfully robotic. Wake up, brush your teeth, tie your shoes, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat, etc.

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WELL DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! For the low price of roughly $600 you can get your hands on a piece of the future! A device straight from the Jetsons! A shoe tying robot!!!

Yes it’s all too real. You probably didn’t think we had this type of tech just laying around! The future is now!!! Just stick it in and let it go to work baby! This fancy state of the art device is all too happy to do the bullshit you don’t want to deal with. Imagine your old man’s face when you he unwraps this beauty under the tree! No more bending over! Kiss those back issues good bye! Kneeling down all the time to tie your shoes!? Hello knee problems! NO MORE! 

Now I know what you’re going to say… but it takes so long I could tie my own in half the time. This may be true, however who doesn’t love to be pampered and taken care of? You can’t put a price on the delicacy and care of this technology gently looping those laces for you, making you feel, all high and mighty, even powerful like a king!

No need to thank me, your loved one’s joy on X-mas morning and their new lifetime of happiness will be all the thanks I need. 

…Or be a baller and drop a few stacks on the Nike Air Mags from Back to the Future. They retail for around anywhere from $10,000-50,000 USD!

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