Which Fictional Quarterback Is The Most Elite?

We’re balls deep in the NFL season right now, and at this point, the quarterback play has been pretty mediocre to say the least. Sure, guys like Rodgers, Brady, Mahomes, and Brees have been firing on all cylinders, but everywhere else you look around the league you’ll see a lot of guys who are trash leading their teams into battle. Quarterbacks are clearly a dime-a-dozen, and there are several teams who are a quarterback away from making a legitimate playoff run. 

All this discussion of who is and who isn’t elite has got me thinking about which fictional quarterback could come into the league and immediately be thrown into the elite conversation, so let’s do a deep dive on that. Obviously guys like Sunshine Ronnie Bass and Mike Winchell are ineligible, but I don’t know if either of those guys would sniff this list. I considered things like physical talent, toughness, football IQ, leadership ability, and intangibles.

Shane “Footsteps” Falco

Falco was an elite talent at Ohio State, a first team All-American until the wheels fell off the bus in the ’96 Sugar Bowl. After flaming out in the league due to circumstances he couldn’t control (according to Coach Jimmy McGinty, he “should’ve been holding a clipboard that first year, not carrying the whole team”), Falco resorted to scraping shit off the the side of people’s toys (scrubbing house boats). Falco’s probably got the best arm talent of any guy on this list. There’s a scene at the start of the movie where he launches a gold football underwater with so much juice I’m positive it could’ve sank a Navy warship. During games, Falco also has a penchant for throwing bombs and avoiding his check down’s. But where Falco really shines is with his leadership and intangibles. He’d love to say something classy and inspirational, but that was never his style.

If there is one thing that Falco has that some of these other guys don’t, it’s heart… miles and miles of heart. He does however, lose points for only playing in four games, and for losing his starting spot, albeit briefly, to big swinging dick Eddie Martel. But he does sneak the Sentinels into the back door of the playoffs, and looks like he could’ve been on his way to a career renaissance a la Kurt Warner. Winner’s want the ball in their hands when the game is on the line, and Falco always did. 

Final Consensus: I don’t think you can call Falco elite because the body of work isn’t there, but it’s entirely possible he and Jimmy McGinty were about to embark on a Brady/Belichick type of run, fisting defenses and sucking souls from cities. Guess we’ll never know. Also, Falco banging the head cheerleader scores him major points.

Joe Kane

The preseason Heisman favorite of Sports Illustrated, Joe Kane was essentially Ryan Leaf before Ryan Leaf was. An absolute terror on the field, but more of a terror off the field. it’s no secret that Joe Kane was fond of sucking down a twelver and riding his motorcycle like he was fucking Evil Knievel. His Heisman hopes pretty much went up in smoke when he had to enter rehab midseason to avoid a DUI. Mel Kiper would probably say that he had several “character issues,” but he was a helluva player when he laced them up. Undoubtedly the toughest sonofabitch on this list, his physical toughness was unmatched, with decent arm talent.

It appears his offensive line was ass and he was getting flushed out of the pocket a lot, but was always cerebral enough to avoid taking a sack. His teammates loved him, and his demeanor in the huddle is exactly what you want out of a quarterback. Without the speech below, ESU doesn’t make a New Year’s Day Bowl, simple as that.

If that doesn’t give you chills, I don’t think you have a pulse. Something else to consider: Joe Kane was a redshirt Junior, he had another year! If he could stay away from grandpa’s cough syrup, there’s a good possibility he wins a Heisman, a National Championship, and is a first round pick.

Final Consensus: Hard to be considered elite when you’d rather suck down Molson’s than read the playbook, but Kane had a legitimate shot to go on and become an elite quarterback.

“Steamin'” Willie Beamen

The only dual threat guy on here, Beamen is by far the best athlete. He kind of popped out of nowhere starting the season as the Miami Sharks third string quarterback behind incumbent Jack “Cap” Rooney who essentially was the reincarnation of Jake Delhomme the year he played in Cleveland, which is say he isn’t any fucking good. After getting the nod from the most overrated coach of all-time, Tony D’Amato, Beamen saves what was inevitably turning into a dumpster fire type season. Electric on the field and in the studio, Beamen will always take heat for being a pretty shitty teammate, but a lot of that blame can be placed at the feet of D’Amato who intended on playing a quarterback with full blown CTE, and kind of shit on Beamen every chance he got, until he realized Beamen was the only one who could save his ass from getting whacked by Christina Pagniacci. Through Beamen’s play, the Sharks make the playoffs, and everything is going well for the newly christened starting QB until he decides to throw his teammates under the bus.

How elite you perceive Beamen lies solely in how good of a football player he was, because he was a dogshit teammate throughout pretty much the entire movie. A half assed apology towards the end of the film seems to get everyone on his side, but that’s horseshit, the offense hated him and so did the defense. But how many players were making plays like this:

FINAL CONSENSUS: Not elite. Although he was getting the chance to be the quarterback of the new expansion team in New Mexico, he was lugging D’Amato’s washed up ass with him. D’Amato would’ve been fired after probably one season, leaving someone else to deal with Beamen’s shit. Tony D’Amato wasted Willie Beamen’s potential.

Jonathan “Mox” Moxon

Let’s end this before it starts. In no universe is Mox an elite quarterback. not a chance in hell. He just wasn’t a football guy. I get why Bud Kilmer couldn’t stand his ass. You’re the backup quarterback and you’re on the bench reading Slaughterhouse-Five? He’s lucky Kilmer didn’t rip his throat out, and I’m actually kind of surprised he didn’t. Mox is smart, he’s got that going for him, and he probably could’ve ended up being the all-time passing leader at Brown, but very few people give a shit about Ivy League Football if your name isn’t Ryan Fitzmagic. It’s a good thing he didn’t want that life, because he didn’t have a shot in hell at obtaining it.

Johnny Utah

Not an elite quarterback, but definitely an elite F-B-EYE agent.

Played in the Rose Bowl, and he’s also about as fearless as they come. It takes a rare breed of human to jump out of an airplane without a parachute with nothing more than a “fuck it.” We don’t know much about Utah’s playing career, but he definitely would’ve been able to command a locker room. Bonus points for having the smoothest play action fake of all-time.

Josh Framm

Another guy who definitely isn’t elite. He was a decent athlete but was in for a rude awakening when he got to high school. Once coaches and players started using press coverage and jamming the shit out of Buddy, he was done for. When a dog is your best skill position player, you’re fucked. Also, can dogs get CTE? Because Buddy was strappin’ up in that leather helmet and was taking some high impact hits.

Josh Framm may have been the straw that stirs the drink, but you take away Buddy, and he’s trash.

Bo Callahan

He gets a bad rap, but he was going into a great situation. I don’t think talent was ever his issue, although a quarterback from Wisconsin winning the Heisman seems far fetched. Bo Callahan got shit on for being a horse’s ass. Sonny Weaver Jr., one of the greatest football minds of the last 100 years, really took Callahan behind the woodshed and helped plummet his draft stock. Guy doesn’t read his playbook, none of his friends come to his birthday party, teammates think he’s an asswipe, the list goes on and on. But, I’d still rather have Bo Callahan over Russell Wilson any day of the week. Alas, if Sonny Weaver Jr. doesn’t think you’re elite, you’re not elite. Period.

Paul “Wrecking” Crewe

Talking about the remake here, played by elite athlete Adam Sandler. Former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, who happened to do a little point shaving that got him thrown out of the league. Interesting because that’s definitely not the worst thing a Steelers quarterback has been accused of doing (allegedly), but I digress. While being described as a natural athlete, Crewe’s defining trait has to be his toughness. Dude was getting the absolute shit beat out of him all the time by guys like Stone Cold, Kevin Nash, Bill Romanowski, and The Boz. Judging by some of the fat slobs that Crewe had on his offensive line, I think it’s safe to assume he was taking some massive blindside hits. Suffice to say, a guy who survived an assassination attempt via toilet bomb has no problem getting up off the turf after getting destroyed.

One thing that probably gets overlooked is that Crewe was essentially the Offensive Coordinator as well. He basically diagrammed the entire playbook, and was very adept at resorting to school yard bullshit if the situation dictated it. The clip below is what Paul Crewe is all about; toughness, grit, and athleticism personified:

FINAL CONSENSUS: Guy is elite. Sure he had more talent around him than a lot of these quarterbacks, but he had to let Michael Irvin knock a couple of his teeth down his throat and treat him like a punk to get said talent. And who’s to say that he wasn’t a fucking stud in the NFL? Pete Rose was pretty good when they ran his ass out of baseball. Same thing applies here.

Who did I miss?