Kids were eating Tide Pods. No one was really sure why or how it became a thing, all we knew is dumb kids loved sticking these colorful morsels in their mouth like gushers. Well now the ante has been upped. Not only can you receive the blessing of a Tide Pod, but you can also sip from the Blood of the Detergent God themself, the mighty TideFather.
TAKE THIS, ALL OF YOU, AND EAT OF IT,
FOR THIS IS MY BODY,
WHICH WILL BE GIVEN UP FOR YOU.
TAKE THIS, ALL OF YOU, AND DRINK FROM IT,
FOR THIS IS THE BOX OF MY BLOOD,
THE BLOOD OF THE NEW AND ETERNAL FRESH SCENT,
WHICH WILL BE POURED OUT FOR YOU AND FOR MANY
FOR THE FORGIVENESS OF STAINS.
DO THIS IN MEMORY OF TIDE.
Looks a lottttt like a box of Franzia, no?
It’s kind of awesome as a society we have to say these things. You can fuck up so many things in a day and go home and tell yourself “at least I didn’t eat laundry stuff today.” Can’t stress this one enough folks… Do not eat laundry detergent. Don’t drink it now either. Looks refreshing though? NO! No matter how bad your day and how much you need to take the edge off. No matter what good rom-com is on TV and how many times he/she broke your heart and won’t text you back and has you blocked on instagram. No matter if your grandma offers you a little with your dinner because just a few sips won’t hurt. It will, probably.
Apparently this design is not of Tide’s doing but the real higher power and legitimate evil is indeed AMAZON.
The new box of Tide is specifically designed to play nice with e-commerce. Sure, it’s good for the environment, too. But this streamlined, easy-to-ship box makes it easier for Amazon and friends to sell detergent out of their giant warehouses. One Proctor and Gamble brand manager Isaac Hellemn said in a press release, “The Tide Eco-Box is designed to keep the convenience of online shopping for the consumer but reduce the overall impact of that convenience on our environment.” The release goes on to detail how the Tide box can be shipped without a secondary box or bubblewrap, is lighter than plastic bottles, contains less water than regular Tide, and takes up less space on delivery trucks. (Gizmodo)
At the very least don’t be such a baby about it. Drink the hard stuff like a real adult.