This one is tough to swallow. Roger, the absolutely jacked kickboxing kangaroo, has passed away at the age of 12. It’s a day of mourning not just in Australia, but the entire world. This sweet, sweet marsupial wanted nothing more than to eat some grass, and kick some wholesale ass, and it’s tragic that he will no longer be able to do so.
What an absolute unit. How many animals can crumple up a metal bin just to flex on anyone trying to give them some guff? I can’t even imagine how many people at this kangaroo sanctuary got the absolute shit smacked out of them for trying to mouth off to Roger. “Hey pal, it’s bedtime,” oh okay, here’s a nice stiff right jab to chew on. “Hey Roger, these folks want to oogle at you and feed you some pellets.” Oh, they do? How about I feed you a nice full bodied roundhouse to the mouth instead.
These kangaroos above are just your run-of-the-mill kickboxing kangaroos. Can you imagine how badly either one of these fellas would get bodied by Roger? He’s the prototypical alpha male. It’s like imagining Brock Lesnar fighting Rey Mysterio. I was always under the impression that kangaroos were very docile creatures, but I don’t have any shame in admitting that Roger would’ve ragdolled my ass. He’d probably bounce my head off the ground a couple of times and then teabag my lifeless corpse for good measure. It’s not just me either, I don’t think anyone wants smoke if Rog comes strolling in with his 22’s glistening in the sun. And if anyone did find themselves in a situation that called for physicality, I can assure you they spent the next several hours picking up their chiclets out of the dirt.
Unfortunately, we’ll never get to see any more live footage of Rog. He’s gone to the great beyond. Maybe even better off, because some creatures are too magical to be confined to some wildlife preserve for their entire lives. I know this hurts, and it’s going to for awhile now. But I think we should all smile because he was here, not cry because he’s gone. I love you, Roger, and I’ll miss you.