Both of my eyes are blood red currently, like I was hitting the dankest bud all night, dabs, bongs, fat ass J’s… Nope. So red, like the Devil himself returned to Earth and skull fucked me in each eye socket with the passion of million burning suns… Nope, turns out it’s just Pink Eye. Fucking Pink Eye. Actually, “Conjunctivitis” for you uncultured swine.
But Nick, how in the hell did you get Pink Eye? Great question… I found myself asking… myself, the very same thing on Sunday. My vast medical knowledge lead me to believe you could only be afflicted by this disease from Poo particles coming in contact with your eyeballs.
My entire weekend was spent moving, packing and unpacking (no, not buts, my house). There was no ass eating (Sorry Zito’s mom, the move took a while) and no bare ass pillow farting (Unless Ty got me good while I wasn’t aware). I kept my face away from all aspects of sex, genitalia, and buts all weekend, strictly business. It was a challenge, I don’t know how Foxy manages to do it every single weekend.
After some careful research I found out there are multiple forms and multiple ways to come in contact with conjunctivitis. According to the old faithful WebMD:
Several things could be to blame, including:
- Viruses, including the kind that causes the common cold
- Irritants such as shampoos, dirt, smoke, and pool chlorine
- A reaction to eyedrops
- An allergic reaction to things like pollen, dust, or smoke. Or it could be due to a special type of allergy that affects some people who wear contact lenses.
- Fungi, amoebas, and parasites
Conjunctivitis sometimes results from a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Gonorrhea can bring on a rare but dangerous form of bacterial conjunctivitis. It can lead to vision loss if you don’t treat it.
Yikes… After consulting a Medical Professional I was informed that it is likely a viral infection as it started in one eye and quickly spread to the other. Turns out you can just… get it. You don’t have to get poop in your eye, you can just get sick and have your eyes turn red as fuck and be itchy without relief.
I’m not settling for that though because I know there is a higher power at play here. A few weeks back I was in a real bad spot with my gambling. Couldn’t even sniff a win. In the Take A Shot segment on the Heartland Radio 2.0 pod I made a sacrifice to the gambling gods to turn things around. Well seems like they listened as my record in the past 30 days has been a complete turn around (shoutout MyBookie.AG promo code: PAT). HOWEVA, it came with quite a price, first they took my perfectly crafted clavicle and the use of my right arm from me. (Broke my collarbone and now Pink Eye, yes I am 12 years old)
They weren’t finished there though, you want to keep this thing rolling? “Never walk away from a heater”
“HA, TAKE HIS EYES, TAKE HIS FUCKING EYES AND FILL THEM WITH CRIMSON, LET THEM RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF FOOLS WHO HAVE FORSAKEN US IN THE PAST!! MAKE HIM SUFFER, MAKE THEM SHITTY AND RED AND ITCHY AND MISERABLE. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO FUCK WITH US YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT!!”
Now here I sit. Exiled from the office for fear of infecting my colleagues with this virus. I’m currently quarantined in my apartment bathing in hand sanitizer and spraying enough disinfectant to cause a violation of the Geneva Convention. I’m burning candles all around like the ancient kings and emperors of the old world trying to cleanse themselves of the plague.
Working from home at my old job used to be a real treat. Kick back, wear whatever you want, throw a movie on, work away and enjoy the seclusion. Now, it’s a different story when you get to go to work in a fantasy factory with your friends everyday. It feels very much more like serving out a sentence than it does working remotely. I’m out of the loop. I’m going to miss all the good inside jokes. What magical ideas does Pat have spewing out of his brain this week? What dumbfounding concoction of words can Zito put together that you can only shake your head at? What kind of lies can Digs tell everyone that I actually know the truth to and will never tell? Did Foxy get laid this weekend? Hahahah I almost couldn’t even finish typing that out.
Oh well, at least I’m rolling around in piles of cash from MyBookie that is now definitely infected and will be sent back out into the world to infect some other down on his luck sucker!