I’m Too Skinny For This Weight Loss Challenge

I don’t know how the odds are going to end up for this weight loss challenge but I have to be the underdog.  I’m facing Zito (260), Tim McAfee (240) and Digs (230).  Right now, I’m walking around at 205.  If this was last year’s NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, I’m Loyola Chicago.

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How the hell can I pull this off?  I don’t have a Sister Jean!  And I’m pretty sure I’m not on real high on God’s list of favorites.  But I do have one thing in my corner and that’s fucking GRIT.  Is grit enough?  Nope.  I need to sprinkle some strategy on top of that grit.

I’ve made no secret about my plan in the office.  I’ve told everyone what it is  so now they have no excuse for not beating me.  My goal is to put 20 pounds on by the first weigh-in on January 1st.  I need to be 225 at the start of this thing.  Zito won the last weight loss challenge by dropping 34 pounds.  Right now, if I drop 35 pounds I’d weigh 170.  I’d be sick as hell.  I’d end up in a damn hospital.  As far as extra weight, I have an old guy gut, which I figure accounts for 15 pounds at the most.  Once that’s gone, the only way I’m losing weight is starvation.  So, if I don’t start with that extra 20 pounds I’m fucked.

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I have to eat my ass off this month.  Carbs, sugar, protein and beer until I’m sick.  Then do it again!  I need to get disgusting.  These guys have way more extra weight to shed than I do and you can’t beat science.  We are doing it as a weight loss percentage, based on your initial weigh-in – so even though that is a little better for me than strictly going off pounds lost, I’m still at a big disadvantage.

God did gift me the ability to put on muscle quickly.  I haven’t taken advantage of that in a decade or so but now its time.  So, in addition to stuffing as much bad shit into my mouth as possible, I also plan to do as much heavy lifting as possible.  I have to hammer the low rep, high weight workouts.  If I’m going to be able to put on 20 extra pounds, half of that will have to be in muscle or I won’t make it.  Then come January 1, I don’t lift anything heavier than a coffee mug.  It’s all diet and cardio.  That’s the plan.  

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This is a weight loss challenge, so if I want to compete with the big boys – I have to become a big boy.  I’ll never be able to get as big as Zito because my genes are too good, but if I can at least get close to Digs then I have a shot.  Because when it comes down to the final week…I got that grit.  I figure grit can shed an extra 10 pounds if I need it.  If I have to stop eating and go to straight vitamin supplements and water just to keep me alive for 7 days…I think I got it in me.  I just have to wake up that crazy young Marine that lives down deep in my gut and let him take over for a week.  Sure, my lady might have to go stay with her mom that week so she doesn’t murder me in my sleep, but we’re talking 10 grand here.  We’re talking about NOT LOSING TO ZITO! We’re talking about one last chance to shock the world!  

What I’m saying is, when it comes time to make that bet on MyBookie…don’t sleep on your Uncle Todd.  He ain’t an easy out.

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