St. Nick’s Holiday Gift Ideas – Shoe Tying Robot

If you’re like me and procrastinate until you’re up against the clock you probably haven’t started your holiday shopping yet. I decided to help my fellow humans this year and provide some ideas of gifts for your loved ones and friends this season. Just some simple things to make their lives easier or more enjoyable. Don’t worry folks old St. Nick is here to do the the hard work for you…

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Let me tell you we have found a winner here. It’s become so instinctual you don’t even think when you do it, it’s just a natural habit, a way of life if you will. Tying your shoes is the WORST. I only do it once, the very first time I put on a new pair of kicks. Then I’m constantly playing the slip and slide game trying to jam my foot in without messing up the aesthetic or creasing the sneakers. Like a drunken frat boy who’s been hammering whiskey all night and gone limp, I’m wiggling and wavering trying to find the right angle of insertion to get it in and keep it moving. Because this is all about efficiency, the less I have to do the better. 

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This tedious task is part of the daily monotony that can make your life feel awfully robotic. Wake up, brush your teeth, tie your shoes, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat, etc.

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WELL DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! For the low price of roughly $600 you can get your hands on a piece of the future! A device straight from the Jetsons! A shoe tying robot!!!

Yes it’s all too real. You probably didn’t think we had this type of tech just laying around! The future is now!!! Just stick it in and let it go to work baby! This fancy state of the art device is all too happy to do the bullshit you don’t want to deal with. Imagine your old man’s face when you he unwraps this beauty under the tree! No more bending over! Kiss those back issues good bye! Kneeling down all the time to tie your shoes!? Hello knee problems! NO MORE! 

Now I know what you’re going to say… but it takes so long I could tie my own in half the time. This may be true, however who doesn’t love to be pampered and taken care of? You can’t put a price on the delicacy and care of this technology gently looping those laces for you, making you feel, all high and mighty, even powerful like a king!

No need to thank me, your loved one’s joy on X-mas morning and their new lifetime of happiness will be all the thanks I need. 

…Or be a baller and drop a few stacks on the Nike Air Mags from Back to the Future. They retail for around anywhere from $10,000-50,000 USD!

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Jim Carrey Is A Massive Asshole On Movie Sets

DISCLAIMER: ZITO TRIED TO WRITE THIS BLOG BUT HIS A.D.D PREVENTED HIM FROM DOING SO

This is going to be WILD. By now, pretty much everyone has heard about the creative process or seen the Netflix film Jim & Andy, which chronicles Jim Carrey’s descent into becoming Andy Kaufman. I’ve never considered Jim Carrey a method actor; making a bunch of goofy ass faces and acting like an ass clown for almost the entirety of the first half of his career doesn’t qualify as method acting in my opinion, but I’m not a thespian. (That doesn’t mean I don’t love damn near every movie he starred in in the early to late 90’s)

Let me be the first to say that I love Jim Carrey’s interpretation of The Grinch. Absolutely love it. I consider myself a rather uuuuge movie guy, but I’d never heard a lick of any of this stuff regarding the hellish filming process the entire cast and crew went through at the hands of Jim Carrey. The method acting excuse is a load of bullshit in my opinion. I understand embodying a character and living in their shoes. Daniel Day-Lewis and Christian Bale stay in character throughout the filming process which makes sense if you’re playing someone like Abraham Lincoln or Dick Cheney. It makes absolutely no fucking sense for someone playing The Grinch. You know why? Because a big green monster who eats trash and terrorizes people who live inside a snowflake is an absolutely fucking bonkers concept.

Don’t tell Jim Carrey that though. Biting Who’s noses off, being a general menace to everyone involved in the filmmaking process, possibly banging the Mayor of Whoville’s wife, scaring the shit out of people, you name it, he did it. Carrey states, “It wasn’t me.. I wasn’t making choices based on what Jim does.. he [The Grinch] felt it was necessary to stay in character. At some point.. he tapped me on the shoulder and said, I’ll be doing my movie.”

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Those are the words of a complete and utter fucking lunatic. But god damn if it isn’t going to be some great content. I’m calling in right now, The Mayor of Whoville is our first CAN’T MISS/MUST WATCH of the holiday season. If anyone else has any thoughts on this, I want to hear them. 

PS: I find it absolutely hilarious that they’re releasing this on the heels of the new animated Grinch movie. Maybe they’re just trying to build on the cultural zeitgeist The Grinch is finding himself in.. that or they’re cucking the shit out of that and trying to steal it’s thunder with this news. Either way, I can’t wait to watch this.

@tyschmit