Louis C.K. Finds A Way To Derail His Comeback

Time.com – Comedian Louis C.K. is in hot water again after mocking school shooting survivors’ advocacy for gun control during a recent comedy set that was leaked online.

Well, if there was any glimmer of hope that Louis C.K.’s return to stage in the New York scene was the beginning of a huge comeback story…it’s gone now.  I can’t imagine he survives this one.

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According to CNN, the recording was of a Dec. 16 performance.  Louis took aim at the Parkland teenagers who survived a school shooting. He asked whether they were mature enough to think about testifying in front of Congress.

“You’re not interesting because you went to a high school where a kid got shot. Why does that mean I have to listen to you?” C.K said in the set. “How does that make you interesting, you didn’t get shot, you pushed some fat kid in the way and now I gotta listen to you talking?”

17 students died at the hands of a fellow student and you’re belittling the survivors for trying to do something to honor their dead friends?!  They’re kids Louis!  What the fuck are you doing?!  Who cares if the 80 people at that NYC comedy spot laugh at it?  They’re die hards that would laugh if you farted into the mic for 20 minutes.  You know damn well that bit can’t go anywhere beyond that little stage, so why would you put your entire career at risk by doing it that night?

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In addition to the obvious problem with him doing a bit that belittles the survivors of this horrible tragedy, I also have a problem with the fact I don’t believe for a second that he feels that way.  Therefore, the bit lacks honesty for me.  Honesty is what made Louis C.K. great!

This bit comes off as manufactured.  As if he’s just taking the opposite stance of every normal human being on the planet and shitting on these kids for mere shock value.  That’s open mic shit.  The only way a bit like this works is if a majority of us secretly feel the same way he does, but are afraid to say it out loud.  When that’s the case, it gets a huge reaction from the crowd because we all experience simultaneous relief that someone else feels the same way.  Regardless of how you feel about gun control or if you believe teenagers should be allowed to have a political voice on the matter, raise your hand if you believe these kids are cowards he only survived because they shielded themselves behind the fat kids.

If Louis does feel that way, then he’s disconnected from reality and doesn’t have the capacity to put himself in the shoes of others, which would make sense given his previous actions that got him in trouble.  It would be interesting to see how this bit would go if the shooting was at the school his children attend.  Regardless, I think he finally drove a dagger into the heart of his comedy career with this one.  I was a big fan of Louis C.K. but it looks like we won’t be seeing or hearing much from him in the future and maybe that’s for the best.

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UFC 232: Nevada Says No To Jon Jones’ Blood

https://twitter.com/mmajunkie/status/1076980658445213696?s=11

CBSsports.comJones’s drug test showed a trace amount of turinabol, the banned substance that saw him suspended 15 months by the United States Anti-Doping Agency, remained in his system. The USADA referred to it as “an extremely low level,” concluding that it is a residual amount “from his prior exposure for which he was previously sanctioned.” 

Even after the USADA released this statement, the Nevada Athletic Commission says, “Nah dawg.”  They don’t like that turinabol is still present in his system, so now they want Jones to attend a hearing in January to decide if he’s eligible to fight again in Nevada.  So, the UFC had to move this whole operation to LA!  I think the NAC is just done with this dude.  Luckily for us, the California State Athletic Commission is not.

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I get it.  Jones has been getting our hopes up for years.  Every time we think we get to enjoy his return to the UFC, he fucks up and gets suspended, but here’s my stance on this whole thing.

To Jon Jones: Stay clean dude!  You should’ve never tested positive to begin with.  Why do you need PED’s?!  You don’t even need to train?!  You could jog twice a week and catch a spin class every other Thursday and still be the champ!  You’re way better than everyone else!  We want to watch you fight!  So, knock it off!

To the Nevada Athletic Commission: Don’t be dicks!  He wasn’t banned for life.  He’s in the program and the USADA went on record with the opinion that this was a trace amount still in his system from the original failed test.  He’s fucked up in California before too and they’re letting him fight!  How about everyone gets on the same page here!

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Ultimately, it’s not a big deal as far as the fight goes.  He’s still fighting Alexander Gustafson, who he’ll destroy, but what a pain in the ass for the UFC and all the fighters on the card.  Not to mention all the people that were traveling to the fight and now have to either change their flight and hotel or sell their tickets.

Who is the Nevada Athletic Commission’s decision protecting?  It was a trace amount of turinabol so it’s not protecting Jones or Gustafson.  It cost the UFC a lot of money so it’s not protecting them.  It’s certainly not protecting the ticket holders or the businesses in Vegas that stand to profit from having the fight there, so this can only mean the decision is personal.

So, let’s meet the Nevada Athletic Commission and see if we can figure out who has it out for Jon Jones.


Chairman Anthony A. Marnell III

Staci Alonso
Robert McBeath, M.D.
Dallas Haun
Christopher Ault

We can see by their photos that Anthony and Staci are a good time, so no way it’s either of them.  Robert is a freaking doctor for God’s sake.  He’s all about the science so there’s no way it’s him.

So, what about Dallas Haun and Christopher Ault?  Haun is the Chairman of Nevada State Bank which means he’s all about keeping money in Nevada and not sending it off to California, so let’s rule him out.

Christopher Ault, on the other hand, is an old ass dude who coached the Nevada Wolf Pack’s football team for 28 years and then served as the athletic director there until 2004.  He’s 72, retired and has agreed to serve as an unpaid member of a government commission that controls the livelihood of every fighter that works in Nevada.  Can you say “God Complex”?  This is definitely our guy.  Look at him!  Everything is black and white with this dude.

I’m sure the other commission members tried to explain that the amount of turinabol was just a trace amount left over from before but he’s not listening.  He’s still pissed off about Mark McGwire beating Roger Maris’ home run record, so any amount of PED is too much PED for old Coach Ault.  

I’m glad we finally got to the bottom of this but I’m sad for everyone effected by this horrible, self-righteous decision.  Do better Nevada.  Do better.

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Best Christmas Movies Not Known As Christmas Movies

I love the debate every Christmas season about whether or not certain movies should be considered Christmas movies.  Die Hard always tops the list.  Gremlins and Lethal Weapon are two others that usually enter the conversation.  I have a list a movies that don’t typically enter the conversation, but should.  These should all be considered Christmas movies and once I make my argument, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Full Metal Jacket – Yes, this is a movie about the horrors of Marine Corps Bootcamp and The Vietnam War, but the heart of this film is how 43 young men, from all walks of life, were able to overcome their cultural differences and form a kinship during Christmas.  How the hell has everyone overlooked this?  It’s not mentioned once in any description of the movie that I’ve ever read.  Here’s a clip, which in my opinion, should be the trailer.  If it had been, we’d see it running on loop on TBS every December.  

Rocky IV – No one ever talks about how this movie is a Christmas movie and it blows my mind.  The fight between Rocky and Drago is on Christmas!  In the final scene, which features one of the greatest speeches in cinematic history, Rocky reveals at the very end of his speech that his entire motivation for taking this fight was to spread the true meaning of Christmas to the Russian people.

Mean Girls – A movie about a group of the most popular girls in school that also happen to be evil bitches.  But their lives are turned around as they are overcome with the spirit of Christmas so they use their musical talents and hotness to bring the entire school together with their rendition of Jingle Bell Rock.

Goodfellas – One of the most iconic Mafia movies of all time.  The entire movie is built around a heist that Jimmy Burke and his crew pull off during Christmas and the celebratory Christmas party that follows.  There are some other non-related scenes that are used as filler but its clear that the purpose of this film was to showcase how property crimes tend to skyrocket during the holiday season.

American Psycho – This was our first introduction to the brilliance of Christian Bale.  In this film he portrays a serial killer who, as a psychopath, struggles with the Holiday Season.  We can tell that he wants to experience the joy that the spirit of Christmas brings the rest of us but his inability to bond with others or to feel emotion, makes him a more believable Scrooge than Ebenezer.  He wasn’t visited by ghosts who inspired him to become a good person and right his wrongs, he was overtaken by demons who inspired him to murder every single person he could get his hands on.  That’s my scrooge.

I’m sure after reading this you all now agree that these are 5 of the best Christmas movies that are never referenced as Christmas movies.  Let it be known that I included Mean Girls in this list even though it’s not my kind of movie.  That’s because I’m a good person and I recognize the other 4 are “guy flicks” so I wanted to throw one out there for the ladies.  Merry Christmas everyone!

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The Colts Have a Running Game Baby!

https://twitter.com/Colts/status/1074663511760920576

The Colts beat the red hot Dallas Cowboys 23-0 without Andrew Luck throwing a touchdown!  What the hell is happening?!  Frank Reich’s creation has come to life!  That’s what’s happening!

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When the Colts first started to bounce back from their 1-5 start, we saw the defense playing well enough to keep the game close so Luck and the offense had plenty of opportunity to score.  Now the defense has progressed to the point that they’re playing well enough to win games on their own!  They just shut out the Cowboys!  This is NOT traditional Colts football.  Colts fans are used to a system where our offense has to score on nearly every possession to pull out a win.  Do we finally have a coach that subscribes to the theory that defense wins championships?  It appears so!

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Another big reason the Colts started turning this season around was that the offensive live was finally protecting Andrew Luck.  For the first time in his career Luck had time to let plays fully develop and wasn’t picking himself up off the carpet after every play.  Now, the offensive line is not only protecting their QB, they’re actually opening up running lanes.  Turns out, Marlon Mack is a very talented running back!  He just needed a little daylight, that’s all.  It’s much easier to run through a door when its open.

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Speaking of open doors, big shout out to Ryan Kelly and Mo Alie-Cox for a dominant performance on the line last night!  We knew Ryan Kelly was a beast.  We just needed him to be healthy enough to play.  But what a find in Mo Allie-Cox!  Mo Alie-Cox is not just another athletic tight end with good hands.  He’s a physical specimen!  He’s 6’6″ – 260!  And unlike most former hoop stars turned tight end, this dude can block!

Every NFL team in the playoff hunt should be praying to their God or their science or their cult leader, whoever they think controls their destiny…that the Indianapolis Colts don’t make the playoffs this year because they might be the most well-rounded and dangerous team in the league right now.  They are Frank Reich’s monster!

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https://store.patmcafeeshow.com/collections/pat-mcafee-show-2-0/products/t-shirt-cheatcodeind-1

Rihanna Hires Lookalikes? Being Rich Is Awesome.

MSN News – “So Rihanna’s so fly that she has a lookalike model come by your space and you try out different looks on the eyebrows on the model and you send pictures to Rihanna and she decides whether she wants to do it or not!”

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This is such a G move!  I love this!  Rihanna hires models that look like her to go to eyebrow salons and has the eyebrow artists try out new designs on the fake Rihannas and they send pics for her approval?!  THAT’S HOW YOU BE RICH!

In Rihanna’s case, she’s super rich.  And if you’re super rich, why take risks?  You’re not going to fuck up my eyebrows.  I’m worth $260 million!  I’ll send you someone that looks like me and then we’ll see what you got.

I’m going to do this if I ever get super rich.  Not with my eyebrows, but with everything else.  I’ll hire lookalikes to go shopping and try on clothes.  I’ll have them go take photos inside of cars I’m thinking about buying so I know which one I look the best in.  If I’m single, I’ll have them dress in a Christmas sweater and pose with different women that want to date me in front of a green screen to see which one I’d look best with on a Christmas card.  I’ll hire lookalikes to try new diets for 8 weeks to see if that diet is going to work for me or not.  This will be awesome!

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Of course, the problem is I’m not Rihanna so there are no models that look like me.  But if I’m super rich I’ll hire a team to find dopplegangers on social media and then I’ll double their current salary to be my full-time test dummies.  Some might need a little cosmetic surgery to look more like me but no worries…I’M SUPER RICH!

#TeamFakeTodd will make my life so easy.  I’ll never get anything wrong!  The Fake Todd’s will get it wrong for me.  Listen, if you’re super rich and you aren’t doing shit like this then you’re doing it wrong.  Being rich should make your life easy.  Being super rich should make your life super easy.  Rihanna knows.

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The Titanic Was Found On Accident! Well, Sort Of.

CNN.com – Robert Ballard, who discovered the Titanic, said that the expedition was part of a secret US military mission to recover two sunken nuclear submarines on the bottom of the ocean.”They did not want the world to know that, so I had to have a cover story,” Ballard said.

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Ballard was in the process of seeking funding for an exhibition to find the Titanic in 1985.  The US Government caught wind of this and was like, “Hey man.  Here’s where we’re at right now.  We kind of lost a couple submarines in the Atlantic Ocean a while back that have nuclear weapons on them…and that’s kind of a big deal here in the office.  So, what if we pay you to find those for us, but we tell the world that you’re being paid to find the Titanic?  Then if you find our subs soon enough and you have some extra time after, you can go look for the Titanic or whatever.”

This was a win for everyone because we weren’t exactly on good terms with Russia in 1985 so we couldn’t have them finding out we had nukes out there on the ocean floor.  And Ballard gets a chance to find the Titanic, which would make him RICH AS FUCK!

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The government knew where the subs were so finding them would be easy, except he had to do it without the Russians following him.  Evidently, this Ballard dude was a G because he located the subs and accomplished his mission with 12 days to spare.  So, then he went out and found the Titanic, a ship that had been lost at sea since 1912, in just 12 days!  It was 12,000 feet deep at the bottom of the North Atlantic, which I’m guessing made it a real bitch to find.  But Ballard did it!  After all this time, we had the Titanic and everything in it!  The money, the cars, the jewelry, the ledgers, and yes…we finally had the most sought after historical treasure of all time.  We had Jack’s naked drawing of Rose! 

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This made everyone happy.  Except for Rose.  This was obviously pre-internet so can you imagine how Rose felt?  She had one little moment of indiscretion where she got caught up in the moment and let a dude draw a naked pic of her and then gets lucky enough that it gets buried 12,000 feet at the bottom of the ocean.  She didn’t have a worry in the world!  No way anyone will ever find it now, right?  Ha!  Wrong!

I honestly think that’s why Rose didn’t let Jack on the door with her.  He was the only person the world that knew her dirty little secret.  “Sure, the drawing is going down with the ship but what if this guy gets rescued and starts running his mouth to everybody about what a whore I am?”  That information could ruin a lady!  Especially in 1912! 

Good for Robert Ballard.  Not only did he help answer the questions we had about the sinking of the Titanic, he also helped reinforce the fact that no secret is safe.  No matter how safely you think that secret is tucked away, it can always resurface.  Oh, and he also kept the Russians from getting our nukes.

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Nun Ya Business

WGN News – Two nuns who worked for decades at a Catholic school in California embezzled at least $500,000, over 10-year period, from tuition and other funds and used it to pay for gambling trips to Las Vegas, church officials said Monday.

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These nuns party.  Like, it’s wrong to steal.  Especially if you’re a woman of the cloth.  But you have to admit, if you were trapped in an elevator with a couple of nuns…these the nuns ya want!  Everyone is bashing these 2 ladies for taking money from a school to go party in Vegas?!  Hypocrites!  All of you!  Every single one of you laughed your ass off when Bradley Cooper did it in The Hangover!  These sisters had the gut sacks to do it for real!

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Plus, in the grand scheme of crimes the Catholic Church needs to be worried about…this is a parking ticket!  Slap them on the wrist, tell them they can’t handle money anymore and make them janitors.  “We’re letting you stay at the school but from now on your janitor nuns.  We don’t want to see you in the office unless it’s to empty the paper shredder.”  I always assume schools administrated by the Catholic Church do a lot of shredding.

Don’t be too hard on these ladies.  They sacrifice a lot in their service to God and for very little pay.  They deserve to let loose every now and again.  We’re talking about the misappropriation of about $50K a year.  That should be about one teacher’s salary but I guarantee you this Catholic-ran school shells that out for 2 teachers!  Paying teachers half the salary of public school teachers…that’s the real crime!  Maybe someone should investigate that!

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He’s Catholic

Tim McAfee: Get To Know Him

Most people know Tim McAfee as the father of former NFL great turned Internet Mogul, Pat McAfee and/or as “Block Dad” because of the viral video of him pulling off the most amazing block-game move of all time.

Tim McAfee is one of my favorite people on the planet so I decided that I want you to learn more about him as a person.  So, I conducted a short little interview with him to give you more insight as to why he’s such a legend around here.

Who was your childhood hero and why?

Tim:  Mark Spitz (9-time Olympic champion, and former world record-holder in 7 events).  I was a swimmer and wanted to be just like him.  Plus, he had a badass mustache.

Where did you and your wife Sally meet?  And was it love at first sight?

Tim:  We met at a New Year’s Eve Party.  She claims I stalked her.  

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As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Tim:  I wanted to be a State Trooper.  I did all the testing but never made it.

What is your favorite food and alcoholic drink?

Tim:  A big ole steak and any dark-ass German beer.  

What’s your favorite TV Show of all time?

Tim:  Anything with Tim Allen.  He’s my soulmate.

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Diet pop or the real thing?

Tim:  Give me the real thing.  Coke.  No Pepsi.

What is your favorite movie of all time?

Tim:  Equalizer 1.  Denzel was a good guy out making a difference.  Could also be Young Frankenstein. 

Who’s your favorite comedian other than your son?  Or me?

Tim:  Early Eddie Murphy

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What’s your favorite song?

Tim:  Money For Nothing.  Because I was a mover.

Who’s your favorite super hero?

Tim:  Batman.  No fake powers.  Just a human making a difference in the world.

If you could assume and control the body and mind of any living person for a day, who would you choose and why?

Tim:  That’s easy.  The Donald.  There’s no other human on earth who does whatever he wants.

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If I were to write a biography on your life, what should I name it?

Tim:  Either Damn That’s Been Fun or What Just Happened?

Describe every person that works for Pat, in just 2 words.

  • Digs – Dom DeLuise
  • Nick – So Cool
  • Zito – So Smart
  • Bailey – So Calm
  • Todd – Great Guy (of course)
  • Gorman – Interesting Cat
  • CFO Phil – Steady Going
  • Ty – My Trainer
  • Evan – Silent Killer
  • Connor – Loud Killer

Oh, one last thing Tim.  How do you feel about The Pub?

Tim:  I don’t know.  Do they have dark German beer?

That’s why we love him!  Special thanks to Tim for taking time out of his day for this interview.  I hope this helps you all get to know him a little better than you did before.  Tim McAfee is a machine and everyone here is happy that he’s in the building now.  Especially me, because I’m not the oldest guy in the office anymore.  Let’s go!!!

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Massholes Can Now Secretly Record Police. Finally!

Bostonmagazine.com – In a victory for two very different groups of people, a federal judge has ruled that a Massachusetts law against secretly recording police officers or government officials in public places is unconstitutional.

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I have to be honest, I thought this was already legal everywhere.  Hopefully Massachusetts is the last state to hang on to this.  If not, don’t be misled by the fact police officers were protected by this law.  That’s only the case because police officers are technically classified as “public officials”.  This law existed because legislators and heads of government are public officials and they were looking out for themselves.  Police officers were included by a technicality.  

When I worked as an undercover officer in Indiana, I was legally allowed to strap a recording device on my person and record my conversations with whomever I wanted…except “public officials”.  If I wanted to do that, I had to get special approval beforehand.  That meant a government official had to be made aware that another government official, likely of the same political party or affiliation, was under investigation and at risk of making incriminating statements on a recording.  No chance of things going wrong there.

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However, the focus of Bostonmagazine.com, and other media outlets releasing this court decision, is on citizens being able to secretly record police officers in public and deservedly so.  The internet is full of cell phone recordings of police officers mistreating citizens and abusing their authority so, I personally believe the legal right to record these interactions is a significant check and balance for our society.

That being said, I support this right as long as it’s done in a manner that doesn’t interfere with police officers lawfully performing their duty or in a manner that jeopardizes their safety.  Don’t get in my face with your camera and yell crazy shit while I’m dealing with an escaped mental patient that’s wielding a machete.  I need focus on not getting my arm hacked off and talk a crazy dude into dropping a machete so I don’t have to shoot him.

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But as long as you stay at a safe distance, record until your battery dies.  I don’t give a shit.  As a member of your community you have the right to report what I’m doing to your community.  After all, I’m supposed to be treating people fairly and performing my duties in a lawful and ethical manner, so I should have zero issue with you documenting my actions.  What I do in your video should get me promoted, not arrested.

Obviously, not every officer treats people fairly and/or performs their duties in a lawful manner, which is why you’re recording me in the first place and why I support you being lawfully permitted to do so.  So, I’m happy the state of Massachusetts finally agrees with us.  We need to heal the relationship between cops and community and I don’t think we can do that until we identify all the problem cops so we can get them off the job and hold them accountable for their actions.  

#BehindTheBadge

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100% Of Marriages To Ghosts End In Divorce

Newsweek – In July 2016, Irish woman Amanda Teague declared that she had married the undead spirit of Jack Teague, a 300-year old Haitian pirate she claims inspired the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series’ iconic Jack Sparrow.  The pair have now divorced, some two years after the ceremony on international waters.

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I called this as soon as I read the original story about the marriage.  I mean, Marriage is difficult enough but marriages where one spouse is a ghost and the other is not a ghost…nearly impossible.  In this particular case, the groom is a 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate and the bride is like a 35-year-old Irish chick.  So, right off the bat there’s some major cultural differences to navigate.  I know none of us were around 300 years ago but if you read up on it, guys treated women way differently back then.  Especially in Haiti.  Especially if you were a pirate.  

Irish women are feisty!  I’m just thinking out loud here, but no way an Irish woman of today puts up with being treated like a Haitian woman in 1710.  Also, you know she had to drive everywhere they went.  I’m sure that got old real quick.  That’s why my cousin got divorced.  He got too many DUI’s and lost his license for 10 years.  She walked out by year 2.

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Plus, we’ve all worked with that woman whose boyfriend never comes to any of the work functions.  She always talks about how great he is and makes excuses why he couldn’t come, but in the back of her mind she knows we all joke behind her back about how we don’t think he’s real.  That puts a real strain on a relationship.  Now, imagine her excuse is, “He’s actually standing next to me right now.  You just can’t see him.”

I also can’t imagine the sex is that great.  I’d put ghost sex down there right next to phone sex.  In both cases its just a voice telling you what he’s doing to you.  That’s fine if you’re out of town on a business trip or something but eventually you’re going to want the real thing.

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Finally, I think respecting your partner’s privacy and giving them “alone time” is very important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship.  There’s no privacy with ghosts.  They can be anywhere they want without you knowing it.  Let’s say you’re doing some healthy venting to your best friend over a beer about how you have to pay for everything because your ghost husband can’t get a job.   Then you hear, “I thought you said you didn’t care about that Karen!   You knew I was a ghost when you married me!  How am I supposed to get a job Karen!  I’m dead!  I can’t even hold money!”

It’s sad whenever I hear that a marriage is ending but I think we use this one as a learning experience for all.  Love doesn’t always conquer all.  If you fall in love with a ghost, don’t rush it.  Try living with the ghost for a couple years or so before you decide to tie the knot.  A ghost, above anyone, should respect that forever is a very long time, so you want to make sure you get it right.

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