Best Christmas Movies Not Known As Christmas Movies

I love the debate every Christmas season about whether or not certain movies should be considered Christmas movies.  Die Hard always tops the list.  Gremlins and Lethal Weapon are two others that usually enter the conversation.  I have a list a movies that don’t typically enter the conversation, but should.  These should all be considered Christmas movies and once I make my argument, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Full Metal Jacket – Yes, this is a movie about the horrors of Marine Corps Bootcamp and The Vietnam War, but the heart of this film is how 43 young men, from all walks of life, were able to overcome their cultural differences and form a kinship during Christmas.  How the hell has everyone overlooked this?  It’s not mentioned once in any description of the movie that I’ve ever read.  Here’s a clip, which in my opinion, should be the trailer.  If it had been, we’d see it running on loop on TBS every December.  

Rocky IV – No one ever talks about how this movie is a Christmas movie and it blows my mind.  The fight between Rocky and Drago is on Christmas!  In the final scene, which features one of the greatest speeches in cinematic history, Rocky reveals at the very end of his speech that his entire motivation for taking this fight was to spread the true meaning of Christmas to the Russian people.

Mean Girls – A movie about a group of the most popular girls in school that also happen to be evil bitches.  But their lives are turned around as they are overcome with the spirit of Christmas so they use their musical talents and hotness to bring the entire school together with their rendition of Jingle Bell Rock.

Goodfellas – One of the most iconic Mafia movies of all time.  The entire movie is built around a heist that Jimmy Burke and his crew pull off during Christmas and the celebratory Christmas party that follows.  There are some other non-related scenes that are used as filler but its clear that the purpose of this film was to showcase how property crimes tend to skyrocket during the holiday season.

American Psycho – This was our first introduction to the brilliance of Christian Bale.  In this film he portrays a serial killer who, as a psychopath, struggles with the Holiday Season.  We can tell that he wants to experience the joy that the spirit of Christmas brings the rest of us but his inability to bond with others or to feel emotion, makes him a more believable Scrooge than Ebenezer.  He wasn’t visited by ghosts who inspired him to become a good person and right his wrongs, he was overtaken by demons who inspired him to murder every single person he could get his hands on.  That’s my scrooge.

I’m sure after reading this you all now agree that these are 5 of the best Christmas movies that are never referenced as Christmas movies.  Let it be known that I included Mean Girls in this list even though it’s not my kind of movie.  That’s because I’m a good person and I recognize the other 4 are “guy flicks” so I wanted to throw one out there for the ladies.  Merry Christmas everyone!

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These Frying Pans Are Shrinking Our Penises! – Men could end up with penises half-an-inch shorter than usual if their parents were exposed to high levels of a chemical used in non-stick frying pans.  Scientists have found the chemicals, called PFCs, can interfere with male hormones and lead to sexual organs being ‘significantly’ shorter and thinner.

Come on science!  Give us a break!  We already have to worry about everything giving us cancer or causing heart disease, now we have to worry about are penises getting smaller?!  I’ll scrape my eggs from the pan!  It’s not that big a deal!  Just don’t shrink my penis!

How incredible is it that every scientist in the world has been working for decades to find a chemical that enlarges penises and then some scrub, tasked with keeping chicken from sticking to a frying pan, figures out how to shrink them?

That’s always the way things work out.  It’s always something bad.  Scientists rarely discover a cure for something or something that makes us better on accident.  And even when they do, it usually ends up spinning out of control.

Can you imagine if they figured out these PFC’s make penises longer and thicker?  Guys would be scraping the coating off every non-stick frying pan they could get their hands on!  They’d be crushing up the shavings, melting them down in a spoon and shooting them directly into their bloodstream!  The non-stick frying pan industry would thrive!  Stores wouldn’t be able to keep them on the shelves!  Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray would be the wealthiest people on the planet!  But then when it becomes nearly impossible to legitimately buy a non-stick frying pan at the store or online, that’s when the shit hits the fan.

Crime goes way up because every delinquent dude with a small penis is going to break into your house to go through your kitchen cabinets while you’re away at work or on vacation.  Tiny penis gangs will be robbing restaurants at gun point, “Get on the ground!  Go in the back and bring out all your teflon cooking products!”  Oh, and that’s when the Cartels move in to control the underground non-stick frying pan market.  It would be chaos!

So, we’re probably better off that things worked out the way they did.  We tend to have trouble handling things that are awesome.  

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Yesterday I Went On My First Journey For New Jeans Since 2014

Yesterday I was forced into shopping at the Fashion Keystone Mall. I understand I dress like a homeless person, and in the words of my small business boss, “the homeless people outside don’t ask you for money,” something I will miss greatly. The homeless demographic was always a team I wanted to be apart of, but now I have one pair of jeans that I’ll wear everyday.