Referee Dong Shot Denied

The St. Louis Blues need all the help they can get. They’re bottom feeding in the league this year and things have started to get ugly. They already told  their coach Mike Yeo to pack his shit and get out of town back in November and merely a few days ago they were fighting each other at practice. 

https://twitter.com/CharlieMarlow_/status/1072179243235323905?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1072179243235323905&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.patmcafeeshow.com%2Fsports%2Fnhl-weekly-things-to-think-about%2F1644%2F

Bobby Bortuzzo was at it again last night doing whatever he can to jumpstart this sorry squad. Here he is firing a perfect saucy dish right to stripes for him to bang home with his twig, just barely penetrating a LuongHOLE.

https://www.nhl.com/video/blues-goal-off-ref-disallowed/t-277350912/c-63860203

In typical no fun NHL fashion they disallowed the goal, much to Florida’s relief… It’s not quite getting fucked by the officials, but you couldn’t rule out claims of unwelcomed sexual advances here. Turns out while you can certainly put the puck in the net with a dick, it just can’t be the ref’s dick.

Some boring nerd: “Well actually, it cleary states in rule 78.5 section iii – 

Disallowed Goals – Apparent goals shall be disallowed by the
Referee and the appropriate announcement made by the Public
Address Announcer for the following reasons:

iii. When the puck has deflected directly into the net off an official.”

Everyone else: BOOOOOO!!! BOOOOO THIS MAN!!

https://giphy.com/gifs/Cz6TlrRVVyv9S

While the Blues overcame this injustice to win 4-3, the league should be doing everything they can for more goal scoring and banging pucks off refs should be fair game. Put some more pads on them so they’re nice and safe and stick a camera on them so we can see birds eye view of guys teeing up clappers going for that sweet ref deflect. 

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I Think I’ve Solved The NFL’s Dildo Problem

https://twitter.com/NoraPrinciotti/status/1057092541047291904

The SUN: NFL fan arrested for ‘throwing SEX TOY onto field’ during Buffalo Bills game against New England Patriots live on TV

Michael Abdallah has been charged with disorderly conduct after the shock incident during the Monday Night Football clash

There’s a few things that Buffalo is good at during football season. Breaking tables, making chicken wings, and throwing Dildo’s during their one prime time game of the year. So when you take away putting people through table’s and ESPN has a Wing segment in Buffalo that is sponsored by Applebees, there’s only one thing left to do…. Launch Dildo’s onto the field.

https://twitter.com/RossTuckerNFL/status/1057083789002895361
https://twitter.com/SabresCutie/status/1057084614945189889

I get that you can’t have 20,000 eight inch rubber spears being thrown onto the field and potentially adding to the CTE problem the NFL has… thats understandable. However a few Dildo’s is just good fun and not something you should be arrested for as long as you hit the field and not another human. Trust me, not much worse than getting hit in the face with a dildo. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/southparkgifs-l3vRd4Df4ZYPtaWmA

Solution to the Problem: The Bills scoreboard has a dildo counter so that everyone in the stands is aware of how many Dildo’s have been thrown onto the field so far. The stadium is allowed 1 dildo per quarter and said dildo cannot be thrown while a play is going on. If a second dildo is thrown during a quarter then said dildo thrower will be removed from the stadium and given a small fine. The same punishment will be handed down to any individual who throws a dildo that hits another human or doesn’t make it to the field…. we aren’t here to waste dildo’s, cause concussions, or lose eyes. 

With this proposal we still get to have fun but also make sure we don’t abuse our privileges. You’re Welcome. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/season-7-the-simpsons-7×2-l0G17sS7uRkH9hHWw

Please let me know if there are any other NFL issues that you would like me to solve.

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