Uncle Todd’s Movie Review: The Sisters Brothers

I think IMDb has blocked me because of my reaction to them pulling down my review of Holmes & Watson but I submitted a very professional and thoughtful 7-star review of The Sisters Brothers today and it hasn’t shown up on their site yet.  We’ll see what happens.

Let me begin with letting you know that I enjoyed The Sisters Brothers.  I purchased it from Amazon last night for $14.99 because I was eager to give John C. Reilly redemption after declaring that Holmes & Watson was an abortion.  I stuck gold with this movie because John C. Reilly was superb.  The movie also stars Joaquin Phoenix, Jake Gyllenhaal and Riz Ahmed from Venom and Four Lions.

It’s 1851, and Charlie and Eli Sisters, played by Joaquin Phoenix and John C. Reilly, are both brothers and assassins that basically rub out people that cross a rich dude known as “The Commodore”.  The Sisters brothers find themselves on a journey through the Northwest during the Gold Rush to find a chemist, played by Riz Ahmed, that has invented a chemical that makes it easier to find gold.    They’re assisted by a lead agent, played by Jake Gyllenhaal who is hired to find the chemist and then bring in the Sisters Brothers so they can get the recipe out of him through torture and then put a bullet in his brain.

This movie is not for everyone.  I enjoyed it but I enjoyed it in the same way I enjoyed sitting and listening to my grandpa tell old stories about his childhood and the war.  His stories weren’t flashy, no extra color was added to jazz things up but I got a real life account from a period in time I wasn’t alive to see.  

Pat McAfee and Bert Kreischer are 2 of the best story-tellers in the business and they’re each way better at telling stories than my grandpa was.  If either of them tell my grandpa’s stories, most people are going to enjoy their versions more.  However, there will be some people that enjoy my grandpa’s version more because of it’s authenticity.  He was there and the little details he provides don’t necessarily add entertainment value to the masses but they do let the listener feel as he felt and see what he saw when these events actually happened.  That’s an experience that some people want from a period piece.  If you’re one of those people, you’ll enjoy this movie.

That’s how I describe my experience with this movie.  If Quentin Tarantino and Clint Eastwood could’ve helped with a rewrite of this movie it would be a fucking blockbuster.  However, it would definitely lose its charm  for the niche market it was written for.  One example of authenticity in this movie is when scenes were shot outside at night, it was pitch fucking black.  Most westerns add light so we can see what’s going on.  That makes things easier but for me personally, watching a shootout in pitch black darkness and all I can see are muzzle flashes while I hear people screaming in chaos…added something special.  I can’t remember ever seeing that approach in a movie before but I think that’s how it would really go down.  There was no electricity!  How crazy would that be?!  Granted, I didn’t get to see blood packets explode, guys flying through the air and all that good stuff but I did get to feel how confusing and eery it was to have a gunfight at night in 1851.  That worked for me.

The reason I gave this movie 7 stars is because I personally wanted a little more action and violence.  When I sit down to watch a western about two brothers that are assassins I want a fair amount of violence.  I love westerns that are loaded with action and violence, like Django Unchained and Tombstone, but if there is a great story to tell and that is the focus, I don’t mind cutting back on the shootout scenes.  That being said, I do have a minimum threshold.  I thought The Unforgiven had just the right amount of action and violence without interfering with the story that needed told.  I wanted more in this movie.  I also thought there were three good moments in this film where they could’ve written in a big laugh and that would’ve added a little more versatility to the film.  The Sisters Brothers is definitely a drama so don’t let the fact that it stars John C. Reilly fool you.

Overall, this was a great movie featuring great performances from the entire cast.  I don’t feel comfortable telling you to go see it in a movie theater or to buy it on Amazon for $14.99 like I did.  But when it comes out on Netflix or HBO, give it a watch.

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Has Anybody’s Life Changed Quicker Than This Girl’s?

https://twitter.com/rachelzegler/status/1073664369681141760
https://twitter.com/amblin/status/1084919754601558016

Can you imagine someone’s life changing quicker than Rachel Zegler’s life changed forever yesterday? Going from an unassuming, average high school student who loves theatre and school plays and then BOOM, you get casted in Steven Spielberg’s new adaptation of ‘West Side Story.’ Pretty fucking wild 24 hours for her I assume. West Side Story is one of the most popular stories of all-time. Every old from here to LA has a heart warming tale about the first time they saw West Side Story. The last film they made about this won Best Picture at the 1961 Academy Awards. Now you’ve got Spielberg coming on board to direct after he’s had a series of minor missteps (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or whatever the fuck it’s called was the start of his run of bad luck.)

If I were Rachel, I think today would be the perfect opportunity to start dancing on some graves at school. Certain guy she liked didn’t want to take her to homecoming? “Oh, I’m sorry we’re not going to be able to hangout for awhile, Steven doesn’t like me to be away from set too long.” A couple mean girls keep giving her shit for being a thespian? “What’re you guys up to next month, I’M GOING TO BE A LEAD ACTRESS IN A FUCKING STEVEN SPIELBERG MOVIE.” If there was ever a time to be a bitch and get some sweet, sweet redemption for anytime that she has been wronged, now is your time to shine. Strike while the iron is hot. I could care less about the movie, the music will probably be incredible, but the whole is more than likely to just be a retread of the original. Still pretty cool that this girl got plucked from obscurity and if she’s being groomed by Spielberg, it stands to reason she could be on her way to a lucrative and successful film career. 

https://twitter.com/DEADLINE/status/1084919551806980096

30,000 fucking people. Good for her. Doesn’t have to worry about essays, tests, school work, curfews, all of that bullshit is for the birds. She’s going to be a star now, and star’s don’t put up with this kind of bullshit. Break a leg, Maria.

@tyschmit

Heartland Radio 2.0 Ep. 33 – Happy New Year

On today’s show, the guys discuss what they did on New Year’s Eve, chat about the weight loss competition that is finally here and how all the participants are feeling now that plumping season is over, and question why “A Christmas Story,” gets the 24 hour marathon treatment on Christmas. They also dive into some world news including TSA getting rid of dogs with pointy ears because they scare kids, a Louisiana police chief posting on Facebook that his department had seized meth infected with the Zika virus, and an Indianapolis woman being wounded by a celebratory gun shot on New Year’s Eve. Todd wants to know who in the office the guys would choose if they were to be in a buddy cop movie and what the name and premise would be, and the guys answer some listener questions including whether they would want to live in the Bird Box, World War Z, or A Quiet Place universe, and make their selections for the 2019 death pool. Happy New Year everybody, come and have a good time with us.

This episode features @toddmccomas, @PatMcAfeeShow, @Digz, @nickmaraldo, @tyschmit, @BostonConnr, @HeyGorman, @VivalaZito, and @evanfoxy, and closes with “Hook,” by Blues Traveler.

Bird Box Is The Most Watched Netflix Original Ever

https://twitter.com/NetflixFilm/status/1078735051406204928
https://twitter.com/tyschmit/status/1079625869948342272

(That’s a high concept Bird Box joke)

That’s a lot of fucking streams over a one week period. Granted, those 45,000,000+ streams probably came from about 1,500 Netflix accounts, but those are still startling numbers. It’s taken over the cultural zeitgeist, and chances are you’ve seen several memes related to Bird Box. The first hour/hour fifteen or so are incredible. Straight balls to the walls intensity that you can’t take your eyes off of (that’s another Bird Box joke). In my personal opinion, it loses quite a bit of steam after that. That’s not to say this isn’t a must watch. It’s on Netflix, it’s probably better than half the bullshit you have saved in your queue, and Sandy Bullock brings THE NOISE. She’s incredible in this. The nonlinear storyline kind of diminishes some of the potential surprises in the movie, and bouncing back and forth between timelines ends up telegraphing the ending quite a bit.

https://twitter.com/tyschmit/status/1079615371777400832

I have a feeling quite a few people will share this sentiment. Again, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t watch it. You probably should, it’s well worth the two hours, again there’s a lot of bullshit out there. The best thing about Bird Box has undoubtedly been the influx of memes it has created. Everyone knows I love my memes. Big time meme guy. And I will be forever thankful to Bird Box for bringing us this treasure trove of memes.

Let me know what you thought of Bird Box, and whether or not you enjoyed the way it ended, and don’t be afraid to send me your best Bird Box memes.

@tyschmit

PMS 2.0 033 – An Incredibly Jolly Holiday Conversation/Celebration

On today’s show, Pat and the guys recap their Christmas breaks as Pat chats about his food preparations and getting his Shelby restored, Todd gives a scathing review of Holmes and Watson, and Digs breaks down his Christmas from hell. Pat also talks about calling the Packers and Lions game at Lambeau on Sunday and tries to learn a little more about the guys he’ll be calling the game with. They also look at this weekend’s NFL slate and decide which games are important in terms of playoff implications including Pat sending potential bulletin board material to the Titans before their tilt with the Colts on Sunday night, the guys debate about Tom Brady’s injury and whether or not the Patriots will be able to continue to run all over everybody. To close out the show, Pat asks people to send in phrases they’d like him to use on Sunday, with the best recommendation winning a $100 gift card to the store at patmcafeeshow.com. We hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. It’s good to be back. Come and laugh with us, cheers.

Hellboy Trailer Is Out And He’s Got A New Arm

The new Hellboy trailer is out and it seems they’re pivoting Hellboy towards the David Harbour/Stranger Things audience. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2274648/videoplayer/vi3258169881?ref_=tt_ov_vi

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Stranger Things guy, but the Hellboy we all knew was smoking stogies like a marine in Germany. This guy is eating veggies on his way to pop people in the head with his revolver. I always was a Hellboy fan so I’m glad the series can continue, but they should of tried to stay much closer to what the first portrayal depicted, not this octagon arm dude. Also, a little too much cheap humor in one trailer for me. “It smashes things real good.” Come on David, you gotta speak up when you read bullshit in the script, assuming that theres some way to make it sound less like a disney movie. Seriously though, look at the differences between these too guys. 

You can sort of see how the original Hellboy just had the round brick for his arm on the right and this new version has got the octagon going on. I like the bright red much more than this Harvard Crimson looking Hellboy. I like the fact that the daughter is now just another weapon for the United States government to use. Makes me sick how they make the good demons fight the bad demons. Definitely going to watch but don’t think I’m paying money to see it in theaters. Who know’s though, I’m probably gonna see Bumblebee in theater’s and I never thought there was a chance I’d even watch it. Plus, David Harbour is the man. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/strangerthings-season-1-stranger-things-l1J9ALEnaUFGsWc3C

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Who’s On Your Christmas Mount Rushmore?

https://store.patmcafeeshow.com/products/crewneck-sweatshirt-mtrushmoreofchristmas

The sweatshirt above is something that we cooked up and that is still available now. That’s a very solid Mount Rushmore, no question about it. Several OG’s of the Christmas season resting up there, but I think there are a few glaring omissions that need to be addressed and added here. 

The Wet/Sticky Bandits

Obviously it’s damn near impossible to condense the best moments of Harry and Marv into one video. It simply can’t be done. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern carry this fucking movie every step of the way. I’ve seen Home Alone 1 and 2 no less than 5,000 times each. To the point where I can very nearly recite both films front and back. I’ll go to my grave saying that the “SUCK BRICK KID,” scene is one of the top 10 milestones of cinema in the last 100 years.

Couple this with Joe Pesci having to record 100’s of takes each time they were on set because he couldn’t stop saying fuck, and you have two of the cultural foundations of Christmas.

Clark Griswold

Same deal, I’ve watched Christmas Vacation too many times to count, laugh just as hard at the same scenes each and every time. Chevy Chase’s personal actions aside (he’s been a raging dickhead for the last 10-15 years give or take), you simply can’t replace Clark Griswold with anyone else and have the same movie. The rants, the sarcasm, the situations he finds himself in.. I imagine this is what Christmas is like for a lot of families that have relatives come out of town and have to host everyone at their home.

Clark also nails the pervasive feeling you have towards your coworkers when working in a cube or office setting. Get the fuck out of my face, get me the fuck out of here, I don’t need to deal with anymore of your bullshit for a week or two.

Also, big shoutout to Brian Doyle-Murray for playing a pitch perfect asshole in this movie and being the reason we get one of the best Christmas rants in the history of the holiday.

I want go too far into this, but Cousin Eddie is simply a bonus. More caricature than character, but everyone can find a small piece of someone in their family through him. That one person who drives everyone batshit insane and they’re such a good time that you can’t really complain too much, but you can’t wait to get them the fuck out of your hair.

Christmas Vacation hasn’t aged in 20+ years, and Clark Griswold is the straw that stirs the drink, so he’s got to be here.

George Bailey

May take some heat from this, but I don’t give a shit. I watch It’s A Wonderful Life every year on Christmas. It’s a tale as old as time, one that I won’t rehash here. Just know that George Bailey is the GOAT. Jimmy Stewart flexes nuts so hard in this film it’s almost sickening. Getting pissed on by Mr. Potter constantly, contemplating suicide until Clarence Odbody, Angel 2nd Class, decides to mosey on down from heaven to save his sorry ass. It’s truly a rags-to-riches feel good story that’s sure to warm your black heart around the holiday season. Not to ruin anything, but it also spawned one of my favorite SNL skits of all time.

Also, the film is out there remastered in color.. don’t be a schmuck, watch it in black and white the way it was intended to seen.

Willie T. Soke

Billy Bob Thornton playing a boozed up, scumbag mall Santa Claus is pure gold. I don’t know if I could act like this big of a prick if I tried, and William Robert Thornton gives everyone a master class in how to do so. I could repost damn near every clip from this movie, because they’re all an absolute hoot, but the real gut busters are coming from Willie’s interaction with his pal Thurman Merman.

Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

There are obviously quite a few more that can be added on here, guys like Yukon Cornelius, Hermey the Elf, anyone who wants to make the most tired argument on the internet and throw John McClane in there, go ahead. But for my money, these guys above are the cream of the crop. Let me know who your Christmas Mount Rushmore consists of @tyschmit

And have a Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

Best Christmas Movies Not Known As Christmas Movies

I love the debate every Christmas season about whether or not certain movies should be considered Christmas movies.  Die Hard always tops the list.  Gremlins and Lethal Weapon are two others that usually enter the conversation.  I have a list a movies that don’t typically enter the conversation, but should.  These should all be considered Christmas movies and once I make my argument, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Full Metal Jacket – Yes, this is a movie about the horrors of Marine Corps Bootcamp and The Vietnam War, but the heart of this film is how 43 young men, from all walks of life, were able to overcome their cultural differences and form a kinship during Christmas.  How the hell has everyone overlooked this?  It’s not mentioned once in any description of the movie that I’ve ever read.  Here’s a clip, which in my opinion, should be the trailer.  If it had been, we’d see it running on loop on TBS every December.  

Rocky IV – No one ever talks about how this movie is a Christmas movie and it blows my mind.  The fight between Rocky and Drago is on Christmas!  In the final scene, which features one of the greatest speeches in cinematic history, Rocky reveals at the very end of his speech that his entire motivation for taking this fight was to spread the true meaning of Christmas to the Russian people.

Mean Girls – A movie about a group of the most popular girls in school that also happen to be evil bitches.  But their lives are turned around as they are overcome with the spirit of Christmas so they use their musical talents and hotness to bring the entire school together with their rendition of Jingle Bell Rock.

Goodfellas – One of the most iconic Mafia movies of all time.  The entire movie is built around a heist that Jimmy Burke and his crew pull off during Christmas and the celebratory Christmas party that follows.  There are some other non-related scenes that are used as filler but its clear that the purpose of this film was to showcase how property crimes tend to skyrocket during the holiday season.

American Psycho – This was our first introduction to the brilliance of Christian Bale.  In this film he portrays a serial killer who, as a psychopath, struggles with the Holiday Season.  We can tell that he wants to experience the joy that the spirit of Christmas brings the rest of us but his inability to bond with others or to feel emotion, makes him a more believable Scrooge than Ebenezer.  He wasn’t visited by ghosts who inspired him to become a good person and right his wrongs, he was overtaken by demons who inspired him to murder every single person he could get his hands on.  That’s my scrooge.

I’m sure after reading this you all now agree that these are 5 of the best Christmas movies that are never referenced as Christmas movies.  Let it be known that I included Mean Girls in this list even though it’s not my kind of movie.  That’s because I’m a good person and I recognize the other 4 are “guy flicks” so I wanted to throw one out there for the ladies.  Merry Christmas everyone!

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The New Aladdin Looks Great!

Pictures of the new live action Aladdin movie hit the internet today and wow does Aladdin look incredible. Jasmine too!

Mena Massoud is relatively unknown actor to American audiences in film, he’s done some TV, but I mean this guy is the living embodiment of Aladdin come to life. His eyes will melt your girls panties in a nanosecond. 

Naomi Scott looks beautiful and as elegant as can be as Princess Jasmine. Looking quite regal. 

Nailed it.

 And then there’s everyone’s favorite… The Genie, formerly played in brilliant, vibrant fashion by the late great Robin Williams who turned in an iconic performance… now cast as this ass clown.

Look at this fucking dick. WUT?

https://giphy.com/gifs/disney-shocked-aladdin-genie-zq40pTVoz98Gc

I saw this for the first time this morning in the gym and let me tell you the motivation and energy that rushed through my veins was unmatched. If I could bottle that up and sell it would put any workout supplement company out of business and I would be rich enough to bury this guy once and for all. 

This looks brutal! I won’t even get into the cultural appropriation talk, that’s not my battle. I don’t even care that he’s not blue. But for those who do here he is…

Yikes

Some things you can’t unsee…

https://giphy.com/gifs/starz-will-smith-memory-5zh1j8sUfLUJGI5T5d

UPDATE (12:45PM):

No way was that the original plan. Attention whore Will was catching too much heat online and is going to have these poor animators working til their fingers bleed and their eye balls melt turning him blue. If you see the release date get bumped, you know why… /UPDATE

I honestly think he just looks like a slap dick jack ass. I understand Disney wanted a live action movie here, but why is a freaking genie, a mythical magical being, not being CGI’d. I know why! Will’s been out of the spotlight too long. You think he was going to let them cover him up? HaHaaaa (Fresh Prince laugh), no freaking chance. We get Fresh Prince of Flops with a shitty goatee and a glued on pony tail.

Will Smith’s Genie in ‘Aladdin’ Described as “Part Fresh Prince, Part Hitch”

Oh really? You don’t say? No fucking shit. This is how he plays every character!

“The great thing about the role of the Genie is that it’s essentially a hyperbole for who that individual actor is, so it’s a wonderful platform and tapestry for an actor to fill his boots on,” Director Guy Ritchie said.

So you didn’t actually cast an actor here for an incredible performance Guy, you casted the “Look at ME” king to be himself. Not a bad strategy in today’s world I must admit. The sheep don’t know what they want til you give it to them.

https://giphy.com/gifs/x0n89ZitkjQYbXQG9K

Smith added. “There hasn’t been a lot of that hip-hop flavor in Disney history.” You know what a genie needs? MORE HIP HOP!

https://giphy.com/gifs/lol-ONrzqhQPWdems

The vanity of Smith’s Genie is front and center in the character’s first scene on-screen. When Aladdin arrives in the Cave of Wonders, and rubs the lamp for the first time, Genie appears from his captivity only to be surprised when Aladdin doesn’t recognize him.

Oh here we go, just take me out behind the shed and shoot me right between the fucking eyes. If Aladdin doesn’t save the Princess and ends up exiled to the Agrabah desert don’t be surprised. If he didn’t recognize the almighty Will I mean the Genie and pay his due respects I see no chance of him coming out on top.  This film ends with the Genie going full cuck, tricking the Princess into falling in love with him while he’s already married to a lovely Genie wife at home, getting Jasmine pregnant, then treating her like shit for years on end until she develops a drug addiction, relents into an open marriage. Then he forces his dumb sexually ambiguous Genie kids into the Agrabah square to blast their shitty Genie music into everyone’s ears, and then he’s free to coerce the next line of young royalty into his bed and create a continuous cycle of misery for the world to suffer. WHO’S THE REAL VILLAIN HERE JAFAR??!?! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A PUPPET ALADDIN!!

https://giphy.com/gifs/aladdin-disney-genie-d8YBM0IgPszle

Note: I’m well aware this movie will make hundreds of millions of dollars and be a success because the formula is already proven. Disney is recreating old cartoon films with a live action cast and rolling in dough, laughing all the way. Sheep like us (YOU) will always want to relive our childhood and take our children to see the new versions of the films we grew up with and we’re all poorer for it in the end while Disney gouges our pockets.

Fuck Will Smith.

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Set Photos Leaked for Top Gun 2

Apparently Tom Cruise and Miles Teller have formed a bromance on the set of Top Gun: Maverick. While Tom is no doubt a great actor, he is a deeply strange, creepy dude. Having said that, I imagine it’s next to impossible to not become best friends with the guy while flying around in jets and shooting with him in a role you grew up dreaming of as a child. A bunch of pics are out from the set via HollywoodPipeline. 

“You can be my wingman any time.”

Teller is playing the role of Goose’s son in the film and old Tom is back in the saddle as Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. Teller looks the part with the stache and oddly long head, no word on what his call sign will be yet or if he’ll carry the “Goose” mantle. Even Val Kilmer is bringing Iceman back, but unfortunately no pics of him yet. Very interested to see what kind of shape Val is in for this, there are internet rumors he’s had some health problems. 

“I will fire when I’m goddamn good and ready! You got that?”

This man is supposed to be 56 years old. I swear he has the DNA of a fucking turtle. Expectations are sky high for this film and there will definitely be riots in the streets if they fuck this up (ok, maybe just me). 

https://giphy.com/gifs/season-12-the-simpsons-12×2-l2Je06sjaUIu4zTrO

As much as I love the first film you can’t try to recreate that magic so here’s hoping this is more in the vein of the newer Mission Impossible Tom films these past few years. The director is the same guy who did Oblivion with Tom in the past, and Only The Brave so I have faith. We need dog fights, we need drones, we need drama filled cock pit shots with sweat beading down their faces and radar lock tones, we need Kenny Loggins back on the soundtrack. Who’s the enemy this time? The Russians again? Covert Ops in Korea? China!? ALIENS!!!?!?

These are my favorite pics released so far. Just because Tom’s too damn tiny to step over the bar and has to monkey his way down.

Teller is rocking an Eagles hat in a few of these but there’s no way this is anything for the film (He’s a Philly guy in rl). There’s 0% Goose and his kid would be Eagle’s fans, definitely big mid west guys. 

The current release date is set for June of 2020. Let’s hope Val holds up til then. 

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