100% Of Marriages To Ghosts End In Divorce

Newsweek – In July 2016, Irish woman Amanda Teague declared that she had married the undead spirit of Jack Teague, a 300-year old Haitian pirate she claims inspired the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series’ iconic Jack Sparrow.  The pair have now divorced, some two years after the ceremony on international waters.

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I called this as soon as I read the original story about the marriage.  I mean, Marriage is difficult enough but marriages where one spouse is a ghost and the other is not a ghost…nearly impossible.  In this particular case, the groom is a 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate and the bride is like a 35-year-old Irish chick.  So, right off the bat there’s some major cultural differences to navigate.  I know none of us were around 300 years ago but if you read up on it, guys treated women way differently back then.  Especially in Haiti.  Especially if you were a pirate.  

Irish women are feisty!  I’m just thinking out loud here, but no way an Irish woman of today puts up with being treated like a Haitian woman in 1710.  Also, you know she had to drive everywhere they went.  I’m sure that got old real quick.  That’s why my cousin got divorced.  He got too many DUI’s and lost his license for 10 years.  She walked out by year 2.

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Plus, we’ve all worked with that woman whose boyfriend never comes to any of the work functions.  She always talks about how great he is and makes excuses why he couldn’t come, but in the back of her mind she knows we all joke behind her back about how we don’t think he’s real.  That puts a real strain on a relationship.  Now, imagine her excuse is, “He’s actually standing next to me right now.  You just can’t see him.”

I also can’t imagine the sex is that great.  I’d put ghost sex down there right next to phone sex.  In both cases its just a voice telling you what he’s doing to you.  That’s fine if you’re out of town on a business trip or something but eventually you’re going to want the real thing.

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Finally, I think respecting your partner’s privacy and giving them “alone time” is very important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship.  There’s no privacy with ghosts.  They can be anywhere they want without you knowing it.  Let’s say you’re doing some healthy venting to your best friend over a beer about how you have to pay for everything because your ghost husband can’t get a job.   Then you hear, “I thought you said you didn’t care about that Karen!   You knew I was a ghost when you married me!  How am I supposed to get a job Karen!  I’m dead!  I can’t even hold money!”

It’s sad whenever I hear that a marriage is ending but I think we use this one as a learning experience for all.  Love doesn’t always conquer all.  If you fall in love with a ghost, don’t rush it.  Try living with the ghost for a couple years or so before you decide to tie the knot.  A ghost, above anyone, should respect that forever is a very long time, so you want to make sure you get it right.

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Woman Claims She Had Sex With A Ghost On An Airplane, Now They’re Getting Engaged!

Huffington Post – Amethyst Realm, 30, of Bristol, says she has had sex with at least 20 ghosts since she was a teenager but wasn’t looking for a new relationship when she went to Australia on a business trip.

However, she says that changed on a nature hike when she came into contact with an apparition and felt sparks like none she’s ever known.

Realm didn’t think it could amount to anything serious because she says spirits tend to stay in one place, but something amazing happened on her flight home: She felt the presence of her lover on the plane, and apparently not stowed in cargo.

“I couldn’t believe it. I was happy and excited — so excited that we had to do something about it. So we headed to the plane loo,” she told the Sun. “And, well, I am now a member of the Mile High Club.”

I’ve gone on record many times that I don’t necessarily believe in ghosts, think the whole thing is kind of a crap shoot. Spirits lingering out there, sure. But the idea that there are actual physical ghosts schmoozin’ with people is a little far fetched to me. I’d even go as far as saying I think it’s a huge crock of shit.

But, I can’t say I’m surprised that someone named Amethyst claims that she has had sex with twenty ghosts and now she’s found the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. 

Batshit crazy. As simple as that. I don’t hate the little marketing push she’s giving herself here. If you get the opportunity to tell your story on “This Morning with Eamonn & Ruth,” you don’t ask questions, you just accept.

I’m also not surprised that this is getting a lot of pub on Halloween, it might as well be this lady’s Super Bowl. Any time something Halloween related is mentioned, she can slip right in to her riveting story of getting piped out by more ghosts than actual humans, and how she now has a ghost who’s packing heat and is comfortable enough with himself to smash her in an airplane, talk about a wild “meet cute.” I don’t understand the science behind it, I don’t know how you can have sex with a ghost when it has no physical form, but I’m not familiar enough with the intricacies of paranormal coitus to dispute it.

I guess if she’s happy and “in love,” who am I to judge? I think she’s full of shit, but she’s spun this yarn so well that everyone from here to England seems to just be happy that she’s found love, even if it’s with something that definitely doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, whenever people talk to her, they’ll have one thing in mind, and one thing only.

Happy Halloween.

~@tyschmit