PMS 2.0 033 – An Incredibly Jolly Holiday Conversation/Celebration

On today’s show, Pat and the guys recap their Christmas breaks as Pat chats about his food preparations and getting his Shelby restored, Todd gives a scathing review of Holmes and Watson, and Digs breaks down his Christmas from hell. Pat also talks about calling the Packers and Lions game at Lambeau on Sunday and tries to learn a little more about the guys he’ll be calling the game with. They also look at this weekend’s NFL slate and decide which games are important in terms of playoff implications including Pat sending potential bulletin board material to the Titans before their tilt with the Colts on Sunday night, the guys debate about Tom Brady’s injury and whether or not the Patriots will be able to continue to run all over everybody. To close out the show, Pat asks people to send in phrases they’d like him to use on Sunday, with the best recommendation winning a $100 gift card to the store at patmcafeeshow.com. We hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. It’s good to be back. Come and laugh with us, cheers.

Who’s On Your Christmas Mount Rushmore?

https://store.patmcafeeshow.com/products/crewneck-sweatshirt-mtrushmoreofchristmas

The sweatshirt above is something that we cooked up and that is still available now. That’s a very solid Mount Rushmore, no question about it. Several OG’s of the Christmas season resting up there, but I think there are a few glaring omissions that need to be addressed and added here. 

The Wet/Sticky Bandits

Obviously it’s damn near impossible to condense the best moments of Harry and Marv into one video. It simply can’t be done. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern carry this fucking movie every step of the way. I’ve seen Home Alone 1 and 2 no less than 5,000 times each. To the point where I can very nearly recite both films front and back. I’ll go to my grave saying that the “SUCK BRICK KID,” scene is one of the top 10 milestones of cinema in the last 100 years.

Couple this with Joe Pesci having to record 100’s of takes each time they were on set because he couldn’t stop saying fuck, and you have two of the cultural foundations of Christmas.

Clark Griswold

Same deal, I’ve watched Christmas Vacation too many times to count, laugh just as hard at the same scenes each and every time. Chevy Chase’s personal actions aside (he’s been a raging dickhead for the last 10-15 years give or take), you simply can’t replace Clark Griswold with anyone else and have the same movie. The rants, the sarcasm, the situations he finds himself in.. I imagine this is what Christmas is like for a lot of families that have relatives come out of town and have to host everyone at their home.

Clark also nails the pervasive feeling you have towards your coworkers when working in a cube or office setting. Get the fuck out of my face, get me the fuck out of here, I don’t need to deal with anymore of your bullshit for a week or two.

Also, big shoutout to Brian Doyle-Murray for playing a pitch perfect asshole in this movie and being the reason we get one of the best Christmas rants in the history of the holiday.

I want go too far into this, but Cousin Eddie is simply a bonus. More caricature than character, but everyone can find a small piece of someone in their family through him. That one person who drives everyone batshit insane and they’re such a good time that you can’t really complain too much, but you can’t wait to get them the fuck out of your hair.

Christmas Vacation hasn’t aged in 20+ years, and Clark Griswold is the straw that stirs the drink, so he’s got to be here.

George Bailey

May take some heat from this, but I don’t give a shit. I watch It’s A Wonderful Life every year on Christmas. It’s a tale as old as time, one that I won’t rehash here. Just know that George Bailey is the GOAT. Jimmy Stewart flexes nuts so hard in this film it’s almost sickening. Getting pissed on by Mr. Potter constantly, contemplating suicide until Clarence Odbody, Angel 2nd Class, decides to mosey on down from heaven to save his sorry ass. It’s truly a rags-to-riches feel good story that’s sure to warm your black heart around the holiday season. Not to ruin anything, but it also spawned one of my favorite SNL skits of all time.

Also, the film is out there remastered in color.. don’t be a schmuck, watch it in black and white the way it was intended to seen.

Willie T. Soke

Billy Bob Thornton playing a boozed up, scumbag mall Santa Claus is pure gold. I don’t know if I could act like this big of a prick if I tried, and William Robert Thornton gives everyone a master class in how to do so. I could repost damn near every clip from this movie, because they’re all an absolute hoot, but the real gut busters are coming from Willie’s interaction with his pal Thurman Merman.

Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

There are obviously quite a few more that can be added on here, guys like Yukon Cornelius, Hermey the Elf, anyone who wants to make the most tired argument on the internet and throw John McClane in there, go ahead. But for my money, these guys above are the cream of the crop. Let me know who your Christmas Mount Rushmore consists of @tyschmit

And have a Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

Heartland Radio 2.0 Ep. 31 – Dark Waters

On today’s show, the guys chat about Gorman’s illustrious film career from Super Bowl commercials to major blockbusters, and he gives a few stories about his time on film sets and out in Hollywood. They also discuss a couple of the shows that they’ve been interested in on Netflix, and cover some news stories from around the globe including a Russian Santa having a fatal heart attack in front of some kids, the Brazilian version of Sweeney Todd, and doppelgangers causing wrongful convictions. Todd wants to know what the best Christmas present each of the guys ever got was, and they answer some listener questions including what each of them would choose to be the world champion of and what their championship belt would look like, and what one song they’d sing the lyrics to if they had a gun pointed at their heads. To close out the show, the guys pick a few more holiday themed Bangerz to help send you into the weekend. It’s a fun one, come and have a good time with us.

This episode features @toddmccomas, @PatMcAfeeShow, @Digz, @nickmaraldo, @tyschmit, @BostonConnr, @HeyGorman, @VivalaZito, and @evanfoxy.

Best Christmas Movies Not Known As Christmas Movies

I love the debate every Christmas season about whether or not certain movies should be considered Christmas movies.  Die Hard always tops the list.  Gremlins and Lethal Weapon are two others that usually enter the conversation.  I have a list a movies that don’t typically enter the conversation, but should.  These should all be considered Christmas movies and once I make my argument, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Full Metal Jacket – Yes, this is a movie about the horrors of Marine Corps Bootcamp and The Vietnam War, but the heart of this film is how 43 young men, from all walks of life, were able to overcome their cultural differences and form a kinship during Christmas.  How the hell has everyone overlooked this?  It’s not mentioned once in any description of the movie that I’ve ever read.  Here’s a clip, which in my opinion, should be the trailer.  If it had been, we’d see it running on loop on TBS every December.  

Rocky IV – No one ever talks about how this movie is a Christmas movie and it blows my mind.  The fight between Rocky and Drago is on Christmas!  In the final scene, which features one of the greatest speeches in cinematic history, Rocky reveals at the very end of his speech that his entire motivation for taking this fight was to spread the true meaning of Christmas to the Russian people.

Mean Girls – A movie about a group of the most popular girls in school that also happen to be evil bitches.  But their lives are turned around as they are overcome with the spirit of Christmas so they use their musical talents and hotness to bring the entire school together with their rendition of Jingle Bell Rock.

Goodfellas – One of the most iconic Mafia movies of all time.  The entire movie is built around a heist that Jimmy Burke and his crew pull off during Christmas and the celebratory Christmas party that follows.  There are some other non-related scenes that are used as filler but its clear that the purpose of this film was to showcase how property crimes tend to skyrocket during the holiday season.

American Psycho – This was our first introduction to the brilliance of Christian Bale.  In this film he portrays a serial killer who, as a psychopath, struggles with the Holiday Season.  We can tell that he wants to experience the joy that the spirit of Christmas brings the rest of us but his inability to bond with others or to feel emotion, makes him a more believable Scrooge than Ebenezer.  He wasn’t visited by ghosts who inspired him to become a good person and right his wrongs, he was overtaken by demons who inspired him to murder every single person he could get his hands on.  That’s my scrooge.

I’m sure after reading this you all now agree that these are 5 of the best Christmas movies that are never referenced as Christmas movies.  Let it be known that I included Mean Girls in this list even though it’s not my kind of movie.  That’s because I’m a good person and I recognize the other 4 are “guy flicks” so I wanted to throw one out there for the ladies.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Follow @toddmccomas

Heartland Radio 2.0 Ep. 29 – The Perfect Roommate

On today’s show, the guys cover a lot of ground. They discuss Will Ferrell’s career and look through his catalog of movies, decide what the correct process is for giving gifts around the holidays, and get into a lengthy discussion about Club Med, and decide whether they or cruise or all-inclusive guys for vacations. They also cover the underground “Carnie Mafia” sweeping through Arkansas, and talk about a man vying to implant a bluetooth speaker into his chest so he always knows what direction north is, and Gorms tells a couple of hilarious Jim Irsay stories and gives out a Friday gift for all the bro bro bro’s. Todd wants to know who the guys would choose if they were single and could pick any living person as a roommate. They also answer some listener questions including selecting TV show characters for each other, and deciding which major sport they would choose if they were a bench player making the league minimum. As always, the guys wrap up the show with some Friday Bangerz to help kickstart your weekend. It’s a fun one, come and have a good time with us.

This episode includes @toddmccomas, @PatMcAfeeShow, @Digz, @nickmaraldo, @tyschmit, @BostonConnr, @BroBroBroBets, @VivalaZito, and @evanfoxy.

St. Nick’s Holiday Gift Ideas – #2 Secret Agent Mission

If you’re like me and procrastinate until you’re up against the clock you probably haven’t started your holiday shopping yet. I decided to help my fellow humans this year and provide some ideas of gifts for your loved ones and friends this season. Just some simple things to make their lives easier or more enjoyable. Don’t worry folks old St. Nick is here to do the the hard work for you… A few days ago I presented the Shoe Tying Robot to do the dirty work and make you feel like less of a robot. Now we get to a real treat…

https://giphy.com/gifs/daniel-craig-ben-whishaw-u3OssbdOuBpmg
Well, actually…

BECOME A SECRET AGENT! Fulfill one of your wildest most sensational childhood dreams of saving the world in dope fashion and making sweet sweet love to tons of beautiful women (or men! not gender exclusive!) along the way (also that last part not actually guaranteed, even though its Vegas, but you’ve got way better odds than normal). 

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Neiman Marcus the store best known for selling designer items us normies can’t afford is selling a Secret Agent experience this holiday. Here’s what you’ll get to do: 

As the operatives, four adrenaline junkies will fly to Las Vegas via private jet for a three-day, two-night espionage adventure organized by The Invictus Experience. Upon landing, they’ll be greeted by a mysterious man in a tux, who will hand over an envelope containing their assigned mission profile—and the fun will begin with a team of elite and decorated Special Operations Forces veterans.

Free-fall parachutists, combatant divers, force reconnaissance marines, et al will accompany the group to fulfill all of their secret agent fantasies: jumping out of planes, racing supercars, and whatever else is required to complete the mission at hand. When it comes time to refuel and retire for the night, it will be in exceptional style. Covert dinners and unforgettable accommodations at Waldorf Astoria Las Vegas are included. Only one question remains: Will you accept this mission?

FUCK YES I ACCEPT! You’re telling me I can parachute into Vegas with 3 of my best buds Call of Duty style, whip around exotic cars, shoot guns and blow stuff up in the desert, then wind down with cocktails and a succulent filet, before we hit the club to go see some dipshit DJ like Diplo? SIGN ME UP! 

Wait… it costs $315,000? 

Fuck.

This one’s for you 1%’ers 

https://giphy.com/gifs/007-00q-bond-verse-36D8XXmtorfEc

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St. Nick’s Holiday Gift Ideas – Shoe Tying Robot

If you’re like me and procrastinate until you’re up against the clock you probably haven’t started your holiday shopping yet. I decided to help my fellow humans this year and provide some ideas of gifts for your loved ones and friends this season. Just some simple things to make their lives easier or more enjoyable. Don’t worry folks old St. Nick is here to do the the hard work for you…

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Let me tell you we have found a winner here. It’s become so instinctual you don’t even think when you do it, it’s just a natural habit, a way of life if you will. Tying your shoes is the WORST. I only do it once, the very first time I put on a new pair of kicks. Then I’m constantly playing the slip and slide game trying to jam my foot in without messing up the aesthetic or creasing the sneakers. Like a drunken frat boy who’s been hammering whiskey all night and gone limp, I’m wiggling and wavering trying to find the right angle of insertion to get it in and keep it moving. Because this is all about efficiency, the less I have to do the better. 

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This tedious task is part of the daily monotony that can make your life feel awfully robotic. Wake up, brush your teeth, tie your shoes, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat, etc.

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WELL DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! For the low price of roughly $600 you can get your hands on a piece of the future! A device straight from the Jetsons! A shoe tying robot!!!

Yes it’s all too real. You probably didn’t think we had this type of tech just laying around! The future is now!!! Just stick it in and let it go to work baby! This fancy state of the art device is all too happy to do the bullshit you don’t want to deal with. Imagine your old man’s face when you he unwraps this beauty under the tree! No more bending over! Kiss those back issues good bye! Kneeling down all the time to tie your shoes!? Hello knee problems! NO MORE! 

Now I know what you’re going to say… but it takes so long I could tie my own in half the time. This may be true, however who doesn’t love to be pampered and taken care of? You can’t put a price on the delicacy and care of this technology gently looping those laces for you, making you feel, all high and mighty, even powerful like a king!

No need to thank me, your loved one’s joy on X-mas morning and their new lifetime of happiness will be all the thanks I need. 

…Or be a baller and drop a few stacks on the Nike Air Mags from Back to the Future. They retail for around anywhere from $10,000-50,000 USD!

https://giphy.com/gifs/cheezburger-back-to-the-future-nike-5xtDarlcoLgByWydbCE

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Jim Carrey Is A Massive Asshole On Movie Sets

DISCLAIMER: ZITO TRIED TO WRITE THIS BLOG BUT HIS A.D.D PREVENTED HIM FROM DOING SO

This is going to be WILD. By now, pretty much everyone has heard about the creative process or seen the Netflix film Jim & Andy, which chronicles Jim Carrey’s descent into becoming Andy Kaufman. I’ve never considered Jim Carrey a method actor; making a bunch of goofy ass faces and acting like an ass clown for almost the entirety of the first half of his career doesn’t qualify as method acting in my opinion, but I’m not a thespian. (That doesn’t mean I don’t love damn near every movie he starred in in the early to late 90’s)

Let me be the first to say that I love Jim Carrey’s interpretation of The Grinch. Absolutely love it. I consider myself a rather uuuuge movie guy, but I’d never heard a lick of any of this stuff regarding the hellish filming process the entire cast and crew went through at the hands of Jim Carrey. The method acting excuse is a load of bullshit in my opinion. I understand embodying a character and living in their shoes. Daniel Day-Lewis and Christian Bale stay in character throughout the filming process which makes sense if you’re playing someone like Abraham Lincoln or Dick Cheney. It makes absolutely no fucking sense for someone playing The Grinch. You know why? Because a big green monster who eats trash and terrorizes people who live inside a snowflake is an absolutely fucking bonkers concept.

Don’t tell Jim Carrey that though. Biting Who’s noses off, being a general menace to everyone involved in the filmmaking process, possibly banging the Mayor of Whoville’s wife, scaring the shit out of people, you name it, he did it. Carrey states, “It wasn’t me.. I wasn’t making choices based on what Jim does.. he [The Grinch] felt it was necessary to stay in character. At some point.. he tapped me on the shoulder and said, I’ll be doing my movie.”

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Those are the words of a complete and utter fucking lunatic. But god damn if it isn’t going to be some great content. I’m calling in right now, The Mayor of Whoville is our first CAN’T MISS/MUST WATCH of the holiday season. If anyone else has any thoughts on this, I want to hear them. 

PS: I find it absolutely hilarious that they’re releasing this on the heels of the new animated Grinch movie. Maybe they’re just trying to build on the cultural zeitgeist The Grinch is finding himself in.. that or they’re cucking the shit out of that and trying to steal it’s thunder with this news. Either way, I can’t wait to watch this.

@tyschmit