I Hate Steven Seagal

I was a teenager when Steven Seagal broke out on the scene with his first movie Above The Law in 1988.  The movie was a huge success and he had me hooked.  I thought he was the coolest, most badass dude on the planet.  Throwing around bad guys in ways I had never seen before, breaking arms at the elbow, pushing the slide back on his Colt 45 with one finger to rack a round in the chamber…Steven Seagal was my messiah! 

There was such a mystery to his backstory too.  He had this whole thing about how he lived in Japan to train under this 200-year-old Aikido Master, people were saying that he had worked for the CIA… What a gift we were handed from the action movie gods.  

Then Steven Seagal kept making movies.  I hung in there for the following 3; Hard To Kill, Marked For Death and Under Siege.  They weren’t as good as Above The Law but I was still riding the high from 1988 so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.  But then the UFC popped on the scene in 1993 and Steven Seagal was exposed for what he is.  A fraud!  This guy was complete bullshit!  I got to see REAL martial artists fight other REAL martial artists in REAL fights.  

This didn’t look anything like the black and white choreographed dance-fighting that Seagal had shown us from his time in Japan.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew then what movie magic was and that the action heroes I loved weren’t all the badasses they appeared to be on screen.  But he had fooled me into thinking he was the real deal!  I honestly thought he wasn’t an actor.  I thought he was the deadliest man on the planet that was recruited by the CIA to kill people abroad and then somehow got discovered by Hollywood and got talked into making movies for us.  Because that is what he had led us to believe!  My friends and I used to have real conversations about how Steven Seagal could beat Mike Tyson in a street fight!  Are you fucking kidding me?!


This was worse than when I found out Santa Clause wasn’t real.  I had been Hoodwinked!  Bamboozled!  Steven Seagal wasn’t a martial artist!  He was a bullshit artist!  And as the years went on he didn’t even try to keep fooling us.  He didn’t stay in shape and keep pulling off incredibly choreographed fight sequences like he did in his early movies.  He got fat as shit and started hiding the fact that he can’t move by doing fight scenes with lots of jump cuts and close-up shots that don’t show his face.

Steven Seagal is a piece of shit that somehow manages to make 23 movies a year that go straight to Netflix.  The fact that he’s still able to make money as an action star is a travesty!  I don’t throw around the word “hate” lightly either.  It takes a lot to earn my hate.  I really only hate three things.  I hate terrorism, I hate diet soda…and I hate Steven Seagal.  

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